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Evergreen holiday tech content with seasonal relativity

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Congrats, you’ve made it through [insert year here] to the holiday season. The time of year when you get to suffer the inundation of family and friends around meals you’d rather not cook as you wait for Black Friday sales to begin so that you can prepare for [insert religious-affiliated holiday here] gift-giving and receiving.

So as you scroll the latest Black Friday sales on your [insert popular brand of smartphone here] while your weird uncle sends bigoted tirades across the table at your loud, overbearing cousin, you can rest easy knowing that retailers once again have not let us down this year, delivering the deals on some of the most popular tech items.

Such as this [insert tech item here with adjectives]. If you haven’t purchased one of these for your house, its mid-century modern style paired with modern upgrades to the functional technology will make a great addition to your [insert tech-lacking room of house here]. While you could wait til Cyber Monday, the turkey will be completely dry by then.

Or perhaps you are looking for something more like this [insert comparative item with advanced features here]. It doubles the capacity of [previous tech item] while still maintaining the same overall functionality. Sure, it has a larger footprint than [previous tech item] but with more buttons, fewer dials, digital LED screens, and a lower price, you actually get more for less.

Since we live in an age of smart homes, you’ll probably want to get something that connects with your smart home devices. That’s why in between wiping gravy off your chin and crotch, you might want to consider checking out this [insert smart home connected device here with a clever aside].

We aren’t really in charge of our own lives anymore, we leave that to our [smart home device, maybe Amazon Alexa] and our [smart home device, maybe Google Home]. IoT devices enable us to do the things that really matter — masturbate with increased frequency while binge-watching [insert popular streaming TV show here].

It’s tough to think we’re going to make it through another holiday season without spending a buttload of cash

There are sales on [insert video game system here], [insert entertainment connectivity device here] and [insert computer product here]. The only question is: what are you going to blow your rent money on?

How about this [insert ridiculously priced tech item here]? Sure, it’s way outside the normal price range for this type of tech, but apparently it’s totally worth it. It will [insert function of tech item here with a defining characteristic] with relative ease and style. Or you could just settle for this [insert super cheap alternative tech item here] if you are looking to save a few bucks and are one of those people who give everyone used books for the holidays.

The holidays can be a stressful time, but if you shop smart during Black Friday and its weird introverted cousin Cyber Monday, you’ll make out like a bandit and slide into the new year at an acceptable level of lower middle-class poverty, if that even exists. Your family will return to their caves, your new stuff keeping you warm and comfy on the inside until it’s time for new stuff. Because the holidays are about connecting with our stuff, humans be damned.

What do you think? Are you excited for [insert holiday here]? Do you plan on snagging one (or multiple) [insert tech item here]? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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