How to keep the Windows 10 May update from ruining your morning
If you have a Microsoft Windows PC then you know the struggle. You stroll into work on Monday, already a little bit late because you accidentally put finely ground coffee in the French press, and power on your PC.
You planned to get a head start on the week. Break room coffee freshly steaming, you lay your hands on the keyboard to log in. But something is awry. Your PC, which normally has a boot time of under 30 seconds, is still spinning. You know what that means. There’s a Windows update pending.
Usually these updates kind of install themselves and will fall in line with your normal shutdowns and restarts. However, starting with the May 2019 update (version 1903), the update will download but not automatically install. That means that upon boot, Windows will be sitting on a massive chunky turd that is clogging up your PC until you get out the plunger and go to work.
Sure, you can have some patience, open settings and install the update and restart, but this is a substantial update. It’ll take a few minutes.
Precious minutes that you could be spending shitposting on Facebook or pretending to work whenever your boss walks by. You need practical solutions that don’t involve actually doing the thing that your computer is requesting that you do in order to keep it functioning at peak performance.
You can postpone the update. You can pause it. You can defer it. You can delay it. You can block it. Yet, it’s still going to be there hanging over your hard drive like a tenacious ghost that only haunts your bedroom and screams limericks at you whenever you are naked. So I’ve come up with some more practical ways to handle the Windows 10 May 2019 update.
- You are a sophisticated PC user, ditch Windows and install Linux. Sure, your IT department might throw a hissy fit, but just snap their knuckles with an Ethernet cable and live your best PC life in an un-tethered, open-source OS environment.
- Revert back to Windows XP. Possibly the best version of Windows to ever exist since Windows 95, XP will solve most of your problems with Windows 10 and you can still use Excel 2010 with little issue.
- Manually check for updates at night before you log off. No, never mind. This seems way too practical for your fast-paced and reckless way of PC management.
- Throw your PC out of the second-floor window and laugh as it crushes the car windshield of a coworker you’ve never really gotten to know and feel a tad guilty about, but hey, thems the breaks.
- Allow the update to install and just walk around the office telling people that you are manually updating your PC and it’s the most exciting thing that ever happened to them. Constantly post on Twitter about the experience of waiting for Windows to run updates and what a pain it is to have an up-to-date PC. You’re a true 21st-century hero.
The truth is that we can’t really avoid or put off these updates. No matter how much of a minor inconvenience they might seem to be, they are necessary for the health of our PCs. The Apple fanbois are surely pointing out how this isn’t an issue with Mac computers, but the rest of us want computers that have the option of functioning keyboards.
So get yourself a cup of coffee, go to settings and let the Windows May 2019 update install itself. Stare into space for twenty minutes, bitch about it on Twitter. Do what needs to be done and get on with your day. It’s just time.
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