Review: Autoblow AI Ultra – the third hardest review ever written

There’s no easy way to approach a review like this without a healthy dose of subjectivity. We all lead very different lives, especially when it comes to our sexual proclivities.

It’s, for lack of a better term, hard to adequately engage with a product like the Autoblow AI Ultra. Well, there were probably plenty of adjectives available, but hard seemed more appropriate.

The only things that the Autoblow AI Ultra requires are a penis and the will to stick it in a machine.

Whether you are single, partnered, married with blowjob benefits, or married with only annual blowjob benefits, or married with no blowjob benefits, there may be a place in your life for such a machine.

Personally, I find a halting hesitation of value in it for three reasons: nothing compares to the human touch, it’s a machine, and I require auditory responsiveness to fully engage.

But there’s the subjectiveness right there. Call it a bit of blowjob bias if you must. But that doesn’t mean there is judgment, absolutely not. Toys are part of the game, and plenty of toys have occupied the sex toy drawer for use by either party.

As I’m in a hetero relationship, there are many more for her than myself, but only because of the aforementioned preferences.

Put a sock in it

Fine, I’ll move on from the sex machine prologue.

There is a cliche that men, in particular, are afraid to place their penises in harm’s way, but also the contradictory knowledge that they’ll stick them in anything that moves doesn’t move or just has a hole.

Like a jar of peanut butter or a splinter-laden hole in a truck stop stall.

So really, there shouldn’t be any trepidation when considering a fuck machine. But I’ll be honest, I don’t follow the cliches. My penis has only entered soft things, never mechanized.

But, here at KnowTechie, we take one for the team for our readers, so let’s unbox this bad boy.

The Autoblow AI Ultra is heavy. Not as heavy as a cement block, but maybe four bricks and a full bottle of water.

But that weight is not wasted. It’s powered by a motor constructed in an ISO-certified manufacturing facility and contains a silicone receptacle for your any-sized penis.

And the reason this this is called “AI”? Because it was programmed to operate like a human mouth. It literally was fed like 1000 hours of blowjob videos to study and mimic the actions. Thank your stars it wasn’t the Bee Movie script.

Oral sex is as elusive for some as it is a regular occurrence for others. But there has always been this societal emphasis put on blowjobs, both from a pleasure and power point of view.

But this isn’t a sociological study, this is about pumping massive ropes into a silicone tube as it automagically milks your throbbing python.

Put your dong in it

So how does it feel? Well, brainexploding.gif. That’s how it feels.

Remember the first time you ejaculated into something without using your hands? That’s the sensation here. And I’m not talking about a jar of peanut butter, I mean something with the moistness and fleshiness of being alive. Or at least close to it.

It mimics a brand new sensation in that way, but the end result is the same but without the troublesome humanity of a regular blowjob.

Because the Autoblow AI Ultra doesn’t care about you or your feelings. It doesn’t unnervingly choke or lose focus because you are taking too damn long. Sure, it lacks the ever-important eye contact, but how many of you are into that anyway?

And it has 10 settings for different pre-loaded blowjobs, and the 10th setting is the AI one, which simulates random every time. You’re familiar with rando, it’s that back-alley, truck stop, late night bowling alley bathroom feeling.

With 10 settings, you can try them all at least once. This weekend. Before the kids come back from Grandma’s house.

Just make sure you lube up the sleeve (the silicone insert) because you can’t fuck this thing dry. You’ll friction burn your pecker into dust. That’s not a pleasant doctor’s visit. Worse than a dry sock.

So yeah, it feels fucking great. Is it better than a human hole?

Fuck no. It’s a different encounter, detached from humanity and not to be compared with the human experience. Rather, compare it to every other thing you’ve used to masturbate.

In that way, it’s far superior to, say, a latex glove filled with mayonnaise, or that weird egg thing, or even a Fleshlight. Like most sex toys, it’s a complimentary item to satisfy active sex drives between human connections.

But wait, there’s more to come! Like a lot more. Brb. Water squirt emoji.

Put your sync on

So let’s talk about sync. The Autoblow AI Ultra comes with a free video library that is synced to the machine itself if you so desire.

After connecting the machine to Wi-Fi, you access a library of HD amateur videos for most tastes via a web app. No app download is required.

So you can totes pretend that’s your penis in the video, entering whatever gendered hole (or hand) you prefer.

The sync overrides the pre-installed blowjobs, with the Autoblow AI Ultra moving along with the rod on screen. And you get extra points if you time your money shot to the one on screen. Don’t pretend like you don’t already do that.

Sync aside, if the 10 pre-installed blowjob experiences aren’t enough for you, or you get bored with them, you can download new blowjob experiences from the Autoblow library.

But seriously, 10 isn’t enough? Have you ever gotten 10 different blowjobs in your life? Oh. You have. Ok then. Go you.

Like Peter North, there’s even more. Voice control contains six voice commands to control speed and stroke. There’s a remote control option through a secure app, so your partner can control it from wherever they are.

There’s also an open API, so you can create apps, play games, or sync with VR. My technical expertise ends at the API acronym, so I didn’t test any of this bit out. But it’s there, so that’s nice to know.

How do the other Autoblow devices measure up?

Put your pants on

The silicone sleeve is totally washable, and once it wears out, you can purchase a new one or renewal powder.

It comes in three different varieties, two skin tones each: vagina, mouth, and anus. Unfortunately, it doesn’t come in hole drilled in rotting pumpkin.

This machine is quiet, so you can use it without spooking the dog. However, it doesn’t have an internal battery, so it must be plugged in during use. Thankfully, the included adapter has a 10-foot lead, so this helps you avoid having to use an extension cord.

Whatever fear of putting your penis into a machine you may have, or I may have had, is assuaged by the fact that your penis never actually touches any machinery.

The stroker is removable (and you kinda have to remove it in order to get the sleeve out and clean it) and is just a plastic housing. The machine part only strokes.

There’s no squeezing (kind of unfortunate, but understandable). So there’s no danger.

Overall, I’d say the Autoblow AI Ultra is well worth the $219.95 (sale price, normal price $299.95) because, well, blowjobs without guilt, shame, talking, pleading, or dealing.

And for you a-holes that don’t reciprocate oral sex, it’s a must-have. Because that shit attitude won’t last forever.

Anyway, would I have purchased it on my own if the company hadn’t sent me one? Probably not, but that’s due to where I am in life and my available options.

Twenty years ago? Fuck yeah, without hesitation. And I would have built some standing desk operation with it mounted in a sling or something.

No matter your personal relationship situation, there’s room in your life for sex toys and a place for the Autoblow AI Ultra. On your penis. That’s the place. You get it. Happy splooging.

Editors’ Recommendations:

• Review: Autoblow A.I. – This was the hardest review I’ve ever written
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Disclosure: This is a sponsored post. However, our opinions, reviews, and other editorial content are not influenced by the sponsorship and remain objective.

Disclosure: This is a sponsored post. However, our opinions, reviews, and other editorial content are not influenced by the sponsorship and remain objective.