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Do not bleed your pithy human blood on the majestry of the Apple Card

Do Not Touch

physical apple card
Image: Apple

The Apple Card is a revolutionary credit card. It’s titanium. It’s connected to Apple Pay and the douchey Apple ecosystem. It has its own fucking cleaning and care instructions. It. Is. A. Credit. Card. If you ever wondered, after all these years of me shitting on Apple, why I hate this brand so much — this is why.

Needless to say, after the care instructions went wide, Twitter went bananas with criticisms and jokes. It’s completely justified. A credit card is something we use almost every single day. We take it out, put in our wallets and pockets and money clips. Fragility is not something we expect with a credit or debit card, but it is when that something is within the Apple ecosystem.

Do not dirty your Apple Card

The care instructions mention cleaning it with a microfiber cloth, avoiding irritants like basic household cleaners and contact with denim or leather, the things most jeans and wallets are made out of. Makes complete sense for Apple.

It should be stored in a glass box like what the Pope rides in, and only taken out to purchase new iPads and iPhones. It should be displayed on the mantle under the jackrabbit head and next to your golden pig statue.

Do not ejaculate on your Apple Card

It will be tempting to do so. The Apple Card, after all, is the pinnacle of credit cards. Since it won’t be riding loose in your pockets or shoulder bag, it’ll be kept in a microfiber bag next to your masturbatory device.

It won’t be hard to confuse the two since the Apple Card is just as temperate and attacks the same pleasure centers in the brain. Also, don’t let it touch your other credit cards because Odin forbid it get sullied by those lesser cards.

Do not look directly at your Apple Card

Think of it and store it like the severed head of Medusa. You’ll want to get a separate, microfiber wallet to carry it.

When you actually do deem it worthy to use in the store, remove it from the wallet while turning your head to the sky. Allow the serfs to gaze, frozen upon its glory. Do not swipe with force, but rather with just-the-tip ease. Remove your butler gloves only after the Apple Card has made its way back into its personal carrying container. Smile smugly at the store employees before air high-fiving yourself for being such a massive tool.

Do not bleed on your Apple Card

When you finally have the Apple Card in your hands, your instinct will be an immediate blood bond with the card, as you have with your cracked iPhone screen. Avoid this urge and do not bleed on your Apple Card.

The iron in your blood will terrorize the titanium finish of the Apple Card and while the bond will be created, it will come at the cost of your Apple Card’s vanity. You don’t want those demons haunting you. Your Apple Card must remain as pristine as a stained glass virgin.

This is ridiculous. It’s a fucking credit card. Act accordingly.

What do you think? Are you getting one? Will you make a blood sacrifice to it? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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