MysteryVibe launches the Tenuto, a taint-tickling vibrator for men

MysteryVibe, the manufacturer of the now legendary Crescendo vibrator for women has released the Tenuto, a vibrator for men. That’s right guys, it’s no longer necessary to co-opt your significant other’s back massager to vibrate yourself to orgasm while watching that one scene from Fatal Attraction over and over.

The Tenuto is the cyborg dong attachment you’ve been waiting for. It’s not just for solo use either, it is intended to bring greater pleasure to your partner while wearing. Since, y’know, it vibrates. That’s right Kevin, get ready for the buzz, baby.

While the design of the device might suggest it needs to be inserted somewhere, that’s actually the opposite of the insertion order. Instead, you insert your hammer and nails into the openings of the device, its battery pack and vibration motor sitting comfortably against your perineum. That’s a fancy word for taint. Grow up. We’re all adults.

If you want to take advantage of having a male-focused vibrator, you’ll have to get comfortable having a battery and motor right under your jizz factory and up against your smear lane. Considering how much sperm you’ve already killed by sitting in bed with your laptop burning a hole in your crotch, this shouldn’t be too big of a deal. Plus, the Tenuto has not one, but six motors within that silicone encased form. Because if there is one thing I know about vibrators, the more they vibrate the less they are just smooth sticks.

The MysteryVibe Tenuto is intended to improve pleasure during intercourse, which, if you’ve ever had intercourse during a roller-coaster disaster or while operating a jackhammer, you know is quite intense. The motors, while not judging your taint-hawk, simulate blood flow and have the potential to make orgasms more akin to throwing a bottle of lotion at the wall instead of a leaky sink. Frankly, y’all need to learn some tantric skills and get on my level but this should suffice for you quick shot maniacs.

The best part about the Tenuto is the best part of most modern vibrators. It can be controlled through a smart app. Hell, you can probably create something through IFTTT to connect it to your smart home so you can tell Google Assistant to get you off, which is the world we’re veering toward anyway. Through the app (or the device itself) you can set vibration patterns.

If you aren’t sure if the Tenuto is for you, ask yourself this question: do you like wrapping things around your penis to achieve orgasm? If so, then the Tenuto would be a great addition to your sex toy collection that currently consists of a very questionable sock and what your significant other calls “what the hell happened to the peanut butter”?

The MysteryVibe Tenuto is available now for pre-order for a mere $85. That’s cheaper and a whole hell of a lot less creepy than getting arrested after riding the horse outside the grocery store for seven hours.

Curtis Silver

Defunct writer. Exhausted. Ephemeral existence for ephemeral times. Don't email me.