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Catatonicyouths on Instagram is your new source for the dirt worst music in the world

I Breee’d into the abyss and the abyss breee’d back.

terrible music
Image: SiriusXM

We all love to love bad things. Or maybe we love to hate them. Regardless, one of the best worst bad things we love to hate love is bad music. Enter @catatonicyouths, an Instagram account so heinous, so diabolical, that it pulled me out of KnowTechie retirement to write about. (You happy, Kevin? I left a boat in Fiji for this.)

The cruelest irony of all this is that writing about any aural medium is ultimately a pointless endeavor. You need to be immersed in it. With your ears. So let’s skip the chit-chat and get to 10 of the best worst songs/bands I found on this God-tier account.

1. This strip club zaddy.

Why is he yarling? Over a techno beat made on a ’98 Dell? WHY WON’T HE STOP STARING AT THE FLOOR? Am I to believe that there’s an even sexier chick more capable of making him moan down there? The mind races.

2. This screamo band that definitely remembers.

Do you remember,
Before novembertwnightswhenIstaiiiid
Into your eyes and promised youtwoudbeauughhrite?

Immortal words.

3. This song where Steven Seagal does THIS voice (?)

Honestly pretty good, but could’ve used more bert derner nerts.

4. This kid who makes Rebecca Black sound like King Crimson.

I hate to crush a child’s dreams (I don’t) but this video is mustard gas to my ears and eyes and everyone involved in its production should be sent straight to the gulag.

5. Whatever the shit fuck this is.

I’m just glad to see the Creed Shreds guy dropped the act and start dipping into his serious catalog.

6. This song that could only be written by white people.

Gonna tell my kids this was Skrillex.

7. The time Puddle of Mudd got raeeurnnnn.

Did anyone else see that story a while back where Puddle of Mudd frontman (Muddman?) Wes Scantlin accused an audience member of “stealing his house” before walking off stage in the middle of a show? Things appear to be going well for him.

8. This a cappella band that Q started.

Okay this actually slaps and is correct and good.

9. This keyboard player going absolutely H.A.M.

H.A.M. in this instance being an acronym for “wHy (in the christ did the jump) Around (guy get a) Man (to spam eent-err sounds over his set at Woodstock ’99?)

10. Two words: death. metal. Yoko. Ono.

Fun fact: clicking on the sound icon in this clip will prompt a “Video has no sound” marker. But let me be the first to assure you, this video very much does have sound.

In a way, I’m just jealous of the confidence on display here. As something of a creative myself – I was in a band with Kevin until COVID ruined everything – I’m cursed to believe that everything I make sucks about five minutes after making it. And to be fair, most of it probably does.

Yet the creative forces on display here, despite lacking almost any discernible musical talent, took the time to form a band, rehearse these songs repeatedly, and sit through multiple studio sessions to lay them down – and in some cases, put their own money down to finance videos for said songs. Do you think they ever once stopped to think “maybe I didn’t nail this?” Because I don’t, and that’s a level of bravado we should all aspire to.

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