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Like Google, I too have achieved quantum supremacy

I’m like Lawnmower Man.

quantum brain in black and grey
Image: Unsplash

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Sure, Google has built a quantum computer that during initial tests was able to solve a problem in 200 seconds, a problem that would take the world’s fastest supercomputer 10,000 years to solve. But I also have solved this problem in a mere 200 seconds, as I too have achieved quantum supremacy.

Gizmodo has a solid breakdown of Google’s process, a fragile ecosystem of qubits and quantum states and superconducting wire. All these bits mash together, incorporating quantum mathematics and entanglement to solve problems using probability logic rather than the regular, stale rules of logic. The gist is that quantum computing will be able to solve problems facing the world at a speed that would actually be considered useful.

What this means for the future is unknown. There are theories as to the advancements of the internet, medical science and physical chemistry that could be achieved through the use of quantum computing. However, since I am now a quantum supreme human (sort of like a taco supreme but with far less sour cream), I can solve these problems without the use of quantum computers and superconductors. Even if IBM doubts it.

Deutsch-Jozsa Algorithm

This algorithm, designed to test quantum computing, is a function that takes n-digit binary values as input and produces either a 0 or a 1 as output for each such value.

Basically it asks if the result for a single bit function is always the same, or is sometimes 0 or 1. This apparently is too complex a problem for regular computing to solve. So I have solved it. The answer is yes.

Shor’s Algorithm

Shor’s Algorithm (or Shor’s algorithm for finding the prime factors of numbers) sets out to solve a simple sounding, but terribly complex, problem: Given an integer [N], find its prime factors. That’s it.

Why is this important? Its application to cryptographic computers and problem-solving would be very beneficial to people like bankers and clandestine operations seeking to quantify large numbers. Since I have recently achieved quantum supremacy, from the comfort of my own home office after morning yoga but before coffee number two, I can confidently solve this algorithm. The answer is literal bananas. A lot of them.

Urban mobility

Volkswagen is leading the charge to get quantum computers involved in solving actual real-world problems, such as commuting in a digitized city.

If we want a future with self-driving cars, we’ll need quantum computing to be able to calculate problems on the fly, in fractions of fractions of a second. There cannot be hesitation. If you are wondering if I, a quantum computing supreme being, have solved this problem already, I have. The solution is simple, ride a bike.

Supply chain logistics

This is one that affects all of us. Logistics are important, in the simplest sense — getting something from point A to point B in the most efficient manner possible. This is a problem for quantum computing because there are constantly shifting variables that happen almost in real-time.

Brute force algorithms won’t solve these problems, it has to be left to the qubits to ponder all possible values and variables. Since I recently achieved quantum supremacy and it felt like a smooth tingle down both my thighs, my solution for supply chain logistics is the invention of matter transporters, also possible through quantum computing.

Data analysis, financial systems, cyber-security, drug research, chemistry, and pharmaceuticals are just some of the industries that will be served by quantum computing. Since I can’t possibly handle all of these problems myself, even though I have achieved quantum supremacy, Google will have to prove that its quantum machine works and is applicable to real-world problem-solving.

While being a quantum supreme being has enabled me to solve these problems, I just don’t want to. I’d rather watch Rick & Morty all afternoon and eat Zebra Cakes.

Are you surprised that I have reached quantum supremacy, mortals? What should I solve next? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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A tech writer on the internet for over 15 years for outlets such as Forbes, Wired, TNW, and others, Curtis is exhausted, burnt out and happy to just write buying guides and the occasional review for KnowTechie, the best tech blog your mom never told you about. Ephemeral existence for ephemeral times. Please send pitches and grainy pictures of the inside of your elbow to kevin@knowtechie.com

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