Reviews

Review: BioBidet Ultimate 770 and SlimEdge – A tale of two bidets

No toilet paper? No problem.

by
Joe Rice-Jones
May 5, 2020

Image: BioBidet

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Okay, in a small departure from the usual jovial theme of the site, we’re going to take a minute to talk about butt stuff. No, we’re not talking about things going in, but the other direction. Yes, it’s the perennial issue of how to clean up after a Number Two. America, on the whole, prefers good ‘ol toilet paper (TP), and most of the rest of the world disagrees, preferring to wash the undercarriage after dropping a load off.

Who’s wrong and right in this situation isn’t as clean and dry as you might think. See, while you’d think wiping off instead of washing would leave you with unwanted hangers-on, but it’s only about 0.14 g on the average butthole. It’s not even enough to be considered as an issue by the CDC, and they know a thing or two about bacteria.

What it doesn’t replace, is that freshly-washed feeling that only water can provide. Don’t believe me? Go wash your hair with that “shower in a can” stuff and then come back. Yeah, thought so.

Just like how there’s no better feeling that just walking out of a nice shower, there’s no real replacement for the soothing wash of a bidet. None. Let’s see how these two very different bidets from BioBidet clean up in the wash, the $400 Ultimate 770 and $35 SlimEdge.

So, is this the throne you’re looking for?

Image: BioBidet

If your home is your castle, and the seat in that little room is your throne… would you settle for anything else? I mean, the Ultimate 770 has a heated seat with three temperature settings, heated water with three temperature settings, a body sensor that won’t let you cover your bathroom in water unless someone is sat down, and more settings than you could shake a stick at.

There’s posterior cleaning, feminine cleaning, and a third cleaning function aimed squarely at helping you when you’re constipated. Thankfully, I haven’t had to use that third option just yet… It’s all controlled via a handy remote as well, so you can just sit back, relax, and let the bidet do all the work of cleaning and drying you up.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention there’s an air dryer with multiple heat settings between “gentle breeze” and “who turned on the hairdryer”.

Image: Joe Rice-Jones / KnowTechie

It also has a blue LED for those night time excursions, so you don’t have to blind yourself with the bathroom light. I love this, as stumbling around after turning the bathroom light off has the unfortunate effect of usually waking up my little one. Oops.

After using this for a few weeks, I’m never going back to just TP. Nope. Consider me a convert to the bidet. Sure it’s $400, but nothing worth buying is cheap, not really.

Rinse me baby?

Image: BioBidet

The SlimEdge from BioBidet is probably a good choice if you’re not sure if you’ll like the feeling of a bidet, or if your budget is stretched. For the price of a megapack of megarolls of TP, you can add water washing to your toilet routine, and feel good about it in the process.

There are no frills here, just an insert that you put under your existing toilet seat. Then you hook it up to the supply line, just like before, and use the side-mounted knob to wash your heinie after finishing your business. It’s got two spray nozzles, one setting for men’s posteriors, and one with two nozzles for feminine areas.

It’ll spray out water at the temperature of your local water though, so maybe this isn’t the one to get if you live somewhere that stays cold year-round. Then again, there’s nothing quite like the icy tickle of water to wake you up in the morning.

So, is bidet the day you pull the trigger?

Let’s talk facts, about hard, cold cash. The average, 2.6 person American household gets through a staggering 400+ rolls of toilet paper a year. That’s under normal conditions as well, let alone when you’re stuck at home, 24/7. At average costs, that’s $25 a month for that family. That’s a lot of paper!

A bidet reduces that reliance on paper substantially. I mean, you’re not going to not buy TP, that’s silly. I mean, you have guests that might not use the spray, and if you opt for the SlimEdge instead of the Ultimate 770, you’ll need something to dry off down there after rinsing. But, it’s going to reduce it, which is good for your wallet, good for the planet, and good for your conscience. Spray a butt, save a tree!

Editors’ Recommendations:

Just a heads up, if you buy something through our links, we may get a small share of the sale. It’s one of the ways we keep the lights on here. Click here for more. Sample units were provided for the purpose of this review.