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Tesla kills its PR department, starts work on actual self-driving dragons and humans as fuel

Riding my actual Tesla Dragon to work, feeding on human meat, living the dream.

Elon musk and tesla dragons
Image: KnowTechie

Automotive blog Electrek has confirmed through multiple sources that what we feared [hoped] is true, Tesla has dissolved its public relations department. What this means for us in the press is that Tesla will be (and it hasn’t for a while) ignoring press requests for information clarification and it won’t be scouring the internet, looking for articles about Tesla to correct. Like this one.

It’s not like Tesla needs a PR department, considering how often it is written about anyway. Sure, there is the occasional crisis management exercise, or possible false advertising or bad review but the turn signals make fart noises so it can’t be all that bad. Roofs fly off cars, so what? Who needs PR for that? It’s a Tesla, deal with it.

So it seems the only voice of Tesla will continue to be the loudest voice, that of Elon Musk. Musk, who often channels Kanye West in his style of tweets, just doesn’t have the bandwidth to respond to everything, so it creates a void of information in which journalists can write whatever the hell they want in relation to Tesla (as long as it’s not libelous and just ventures into satirical examples for the sake of mocking questionable corporate decisions). This could lead to misinformation about the auto manufacturer.

It’s strange that Tesla, a company on the cutting edge of auto manufacturing and poised to be the car of the future, wouldn’t want to have some sort of control over the messaging that is being put out there about its company. There is no external agency at this point, no emails from PR people correcting errors or pointing out factual mistakes. No defending positions when accidents happen, no glowing pitches about the next Tesla feature. Nothing. Silence.

So with that in mind and after a handful of sticky mushrooms and three hours of staring at visions of the future that appeared on the ceiling, I can confirm that Tesla is working on an actual self-driving dragon robot with a lizard-like exterior (unrelated to Space X Dragon), about the size of a three-story office building, that uses actual humans as fuel. It’s powered by Space X engines (still unrelated to Space X Dragon) and its Ludicrous mode, when activated, transforms the dragon into a food truck that serves human meat. This drains a lot of battery though and requires recharging outside an Applebee’s by the mall.

So yeah, believe what you want. Nothing about Tesla is far-fetched at this point. It makes self-driving cars and is adjoined with a company that makes rockets that land themselves and are blanketing the atmosphere with satellites to create a net around the Earth. There’s no PR to correct us, no PR to refute stories about self-driving crashes. While us tech journalists have a love/hate relationship with PR, it still generally serves some kind of purpose. Well, the gloves are off. Have at it. Tesla is what it is and has no intention of being anything else.

What do you think? Are you excited about a future of self-driving Tesla dragons and human-meat food trucks? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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