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Amazon should replace the local library with dozens of Kindles duct taped to drywall

Fahrenheit AMZN.

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Image: Unsplash

We all love our local libraries, but let’s be honest, when was the last time you were there and actually used the microfiche machine? Sure, you might check out books for your kids and participate in summer activities, but it’s the library. The library is totally lame or something. Homeless people masturbate there.

Who cares about the library? No-one (besides all the parents, locals, and volunteers who make the library a community-centric fixture in most small towns), that’s who. So it’s only logical that we replace the library with some sort of Amazon-related tie-in. Hey, how about we burn all the books in the parking lot and just duct tape a bunch of Kindle devices to the aging husk of the library building? We can fire all the staff and replace them with robot arms. Homeless people can still masturbate there.

Amazon has recently been opening its own bookstores, so naturally, since the library has books, there is no reason for the library to exist anymore. Hell, just add coffee and Korean barbecue and you can drive all the food trucks into the river. Because, just like a bookstore, the library has books! Forget about the community aspect of it and the summer activities for kids, Amazon has the solution to that too, these water wings available with Prime shipping.

I mean, what’s the point of the library anyway? So what if you can basically rent books, audiobooks, DVDs and research materials? So what if there are literally dozens upon dozens of community-focused activities and events every month? That doesn’t matter. Because you pay taxes. And a portion of your taxes goes to the library. What the hell? I can buy books on Amazon? Why in the hell would I want to pay taxes to keep a place in business that has books I can only rent? What twisted, fucked up, disturbed business logic is that? Clearly, replacing libraries with Amazon is the solution.

Look, it’s amazing that somehow Books-a-Million still exists, much less your local library. The truth is that people no longer read anything, they just scan the headline and then hop on social media and go on blast. Can you do that with a book that you have to return to a place? Hell no. There is no instant gratification at the library. It’s an antiquated foundation of a world that no longer exists. You even have to have an identification card to rent books. That’s fascism. At Amazon, all you need is a verified address, linked financial information and verified email.

Plus, low-income families use the library. You can check-out enough books a week for your kids that would easily be worth any tax you pay in a year. But that’s just nonsense. Why should low-income people get a break just because they can’t afford Amazon Prime and subscriptions to eBook services and/or buying every book that their kids want to read?

Amazon, after replacing the library, could easily have a section for the poors, with the books already dog-eared and with tracking devices embedded in the cover. These books could be rented with an APR of 16% because just like everything else (auto loans, mortgages), may as well fuck the working class with a ridiculous interest rate.

In some reality, this makes sense. In this reality, the library is often the center of the town. It’s the heartbeat of the community and the gathering place for the people. It’s not only the building that bleeds knowledge but the building that supports community. Amazon could never replace that, nor would it even attempt to. To suggest that it could or should just for tax savings would be borderline moronic and so out of touch with reality that is is hard to imagine anyone seriously making that correlation.

Support your local library by ignoring the fact part of your taxes pay for it. Agree?

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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