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What the fresh hell is Apple thinking with this Warren Buffett Paperboy clone app

The Daily Sun is ashamed.

warren buffett paperboy clone game paper wizard
Image: iTunes

I’ll set the scene and bury the lede.

The year was 1988. At the local skating rink, I had found that my inability to keep my ankles from buckling inwards when strapped to foot wheels would see me sitting on the sidelines during any skating activity.

Yet, as a 10-year-old kid, this was the place to be Friday night. Too young to drink, too old to go to bed at eight, our parents would drop us off at the skating rink. I could not skate. I had to find something to do besides shotgunning churros and watching the awkwardness of couples skate.

The wall of arcade games offered that respite. Sanctuary from the physical nonsense of skating in a circle, clutching the wall while your friends skated forward into adolescence. This is where I discovered the original Paperboy video arcade game. Along with Ladybug, it was my go-to for my pocket-full of hard earned quarters.

The game was already on Atari, but I didn’t have it. I wouldn’t pick it up until later in the year for the Nintendo NES system. At the skating rink, I was a Paperboy god. Kids would gather around as I would stretch a quarter from Monday to Friday, running my virtual routes better than I could ever ride a bike or skates for that matter. Avoiding dogs, tires and smashing the windows of those non-subscribers that darkened the streets. I was a Paperboy hero. It would still be another six years before I kissed a girl.

There have been clones of the game throughout the years, and I still have it on my NES rebuild, and I still rule. Yet, there is something just wrong, just fucking wrong about this latest iteration that popped up the iOS store. It’s called Warren Buffett’s Paper Wizard and while developed by Wildlife Design, Inc., is clearly tied to Apple’s indenture to Buffett’s money.

As Venture Beat points out, Buffett is a very large stakeholder in Apple. As we all know, Buffett is also an old white dude. Like, the dude is 88. He’s not long for this world, no matter how much money he has. The game is clearly catering to his personal whim of being a virtual paperboy and Apple has no problem bringing that dream to life.

I’m not even going to talk about the gameplay because I don’t give a shit

Like any Paperboy clone that has come before it, it’s a ridiculous piece of trash that can’t hold a candle to the original. The only interesting thing here is why in the hell it exists at all. Why does Warren Buffett need a game? Why does Apple need to make one for him? Apple hasn’t made an iOS game for over a decade. Why now? Why this one?

I think we’ll find out soon. It’s not just a tribute to someone who has dumped tens of millions of dollars into Apple, that seems too base. My guess is that Warren Buffett is already dead and Apple has simply ported his consciousness into a mobile game in order to continue to make investments, using our iPhones as energy. He’s simply disguising himself as a paper delivery person in order to throw us off the scent.

Apple and Warren Buffett’s billions aren’t worthy enough to attempt to clone one of the few gaming bastions of my childhood. Paperboy is an untouchable classic and any attempt to recreate the magic generated by this game shall be met with pitchforks and fire. If you download Warren Buffett’s Paper Wizard then black mages will poop on your face when you sleep. You just don’t fuck with a classic like Paperboy, no matter how rich you are.

What do you think? Will you be giving the game a spin? Why are you the way you are? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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A tech writer on the internet for over 15 years for outlets such as Forbes, Wired, TNW, and others, Curtis is exhausted, burnt out and happy to just write buying guides and the occasional review for KnowTechie, the best tech blog your mom never told you about. Ephemeral existence for ephemeral times. Please send pitches and grainy pictures of the inside of your elbow to kevin@knowtechie.com

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