Connect with us

Tech

Hurricane survival tech you need to order right now before the shit hits the fan

Storm surge deez Ds

hurricane dorian
Image: NOAA/NESDIS/STAR/ GOES-East

Here in mid-central-south Florida, we like to pretend we are always prepared for hurricanes, but we aren’t. Don’t get it twisted, I am. I buy supplies all year long so that when the mad rush starts the day before a hurricane or tropical storm hits, I can comfortably avoid it. But this is 2019. Why are you rushing to Walmart the day before a hurricane when you can just order a bunch of crap off Amazon two days before a hurricane?

If you are on the east coast of Florida, good luck. Get out before the storm surge, we can’t nuke this hurricane. You might need supplies though, so since it’s Thursday and the storm isn’t slated to hit for a couple days, you have a choice. Rush the stores on Saturday or click over to Amazon and order what you need and get that sweet same-day, next-day or two-day delivery.

Let’s assume you have water, you have ammo (this is Florida after all) and you have a closet full of black beans and peanut butter. What else do you need?

You need vape juice. The last thing you want to run out of while running from a storm is vape juice. If you’ve got a Juul, by now you’ve figured out how to make your own refillable pods. If not, amateur hour. Nothing makes you look cooler as you sift through the remains of your beach shack than ripping a fat cloud in final defiance of evacuation orders.

You need batteries. Sure, make sure to stock up on D batteries for the flashlight you haven’t used since the last hurricane. Upgrade your flashlight game first. Get yourself a tactical flashlight set. That way, you can shine it in your kids’ faces to distract them from the harsh realities of having to live in a FEMA tent for the next six months.

You need a bigger battery. You need a portable power bank. Why don’t you already have one of these? I have several. This Anker 20000mAh power bank is available for same-day delivery. Get two. Get one that provides A/C power (a plug). You can’t tweet about the hurricane if your phone isn’t charged. Think about it. When the power goes out, you don’t want to miss all that sweet content. FOMO is one of the most devastating things about natural disasters.

You need a crank radio. Just in case. I know it seems rudimentary, but trust me, it may save your shit. Get a first aid kit too. You might not know what to do with it, but it’ll be there in your bug-out bag with your ammo and external hard drives just in case.

You need a hot dog toaster. You’ve got a power bank. You’ve got bread and room temperature hot dogs. Toasters pull low amps. All the food in your fridge might be going bad, but at least you can toast your hot dogs. It’s the small things that make all the difference when facing down mother nature’s wrath.

You need noise-canceling headphones. Between the screams of your neighbors, sirens, the roar of the winds and palm trees crushing your car, you are going to want to escape it all and enjoy some silence as a precursor to your certain death. Go out in style with some sweet noise-canceling headphones. Be sure to charge them first, you don’t want the sound to cut out right before you hear the deafening silence of the tornado that spits you into the stratosphere.

In all seriousness, this thing could be a category 3 hurricane before it hits the east coast of Florida. I’ve been in this state for over 30 years and you do not want to hang around for that storm surge. Order your supplies then get the fuck out. Come hang out here on the west coast. I’ve got beans, water, ammo, and enough power banks to keep us streaming Netflix until the sun shines again…

Just a heads up, if you buy something through our links, we may get a small share of the sale. Click here for more.

Editors’ Recommendations:

Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

Comments
Advertisement

More in Tech