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Kevin made me write about the horse balls in Red Dead Redemption 2

They’re just hanging out.

red dead redemption horse balls
Image: Rockstar

There are horse testicles in Red Dead Redemption 2. Noticed and reported by the r/gaming subreddit, this isn’t as much a testament to the graphics capabilities of gaming hardware as it is a simple handful of details to lend accuracy to a franchise that relies on the immersion of the player into its world. Stallions have testicles. This is not news. However, for KnowTechie’s editor-in-chief Kevin Raposo, this is better than a splinter-free glory hole in a Dunkin bathroom.

The highly anticipated Red Dead Redemption 2 will be hitting shelves in October, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t obsess about horse dangle meat like we’re running a breeding farm over here. Kevin is acting like he’s got a mare ready to be bred and he’s out there, scanning the landscape for the highest FPS on a pair of stallion testes he can find. That render has got to be smooth, bouncy and accompanied by a three-foot skin sock (which appear to be absent from the game).

Because we’re all third graders over here giggling at the appearance of animal grape sacks, Red Dead isn’t breaking new ground. The recent Far Cry 5 had a fair share of bull balls, and even the first Red Dead had its stallions equipped with thigh-slappers, but you likely never noticed them because the render was never good enough. Regardless, Kevin headed to Slack to harangue the KnowTechie writers about his obsession with horse balls in a video game until someone wrote about it.

Perhaps living in Boston doesn’t give Kevin the opportunity to view horse balls in person often enough. As I live in Florida, if you haven’t seen horse balls by the age of four, you haven’t left your house and are probably a bubble boy. Hell, if you haven’t seen a stallion get wood (it’s like an ugly 2×4) and try to mount a fence post because there is a mare on the property, then you probably were born without eyes and your parents don’t have to explain to you what’s about to happen to that poor, unsuspecting mare.

So now there are horse balls in Red Dead Redemption 2, so Kevin is wildly enthused. Good for him. Even though his living room currently looks like a truckload of Boston Creme donuts turned inside out, he’s finally got his one true gaming wish.

Do you care about horse balls in video games? Do you? Do you really?

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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