Some of the weirdest and creepiest shit you can buy on Ali Express
Excuse me, but does your dog do squats?
It can be quite good fun falling down the Ali Express rabbit hole. You’ve probably heard of it. But, for those who haven’t, it is an online marketplace. Most of the brands that sell via Ali Express are Chinese. Xiaomi, for example, uses Ali Express to sell its whole ecosystem. However, dig a bit deeper and you’ll find some really weird stuff. And I’m talking really weird, here.
You’ll possibly have seen a few of the stranger items on your social media feeds. Mine is constantly overflowing with hilarious “Wish Recommends” screenshots. Ali Express is no different. It is full of truly bizarre things that a perfectly innocent search (or Facebook sponsored post) can alert you to. So, Alice, do you care to join me down this particular rabbit hole? OK! Let’s gooooooooo…
Have you ever looked at your dog and thought “Yeah, like, I love you and stuff, but you’re just lacking sex appeal.” Me neither, but then I’ve got cats and the relationship is purely based on feeding them as far as I can tell. At least it is from my perspective. However, if you want to make your dog look like the canine Kim Kardashian, then you might want to grab it some dog stockings, yeah? I mean, there’s nothing weird about that at all.
Dog still not hot enough in stockings? Fucking hell, you’re one fussy pervert, aren’t you? If your faithful pal is a little on the bald side and developing a complex, then perhaps grab him or her a nice hairpiece. That, and laughing at how stupid a dog looks with a human hairstyle, are the ONLY reasons this should drop into your postbox. Otherwise, I’m calling the police. Especially if the dog is walking round in hosiery.
No, silly, not soap for your nose. What an absurd concept! Actually, have you ever got soap up your nose? It is fucking agonizing. But this isn’t nose-soap. Instead, it is a charming dispenser shaped like a human proboscis. A quick squeeze and hot, runny soap will flow freely from the nostrils into your hand below. You’re then free to use this next product to clean your hands or face with…
Like some sort of reverse anal stuffing ritual, these ass-shaped tissue box covers dispense tissue FROM THE ASSHOLE. That’s right. You pull your required tissue fresh from the sphincter. I mean, I suppose it is clean when it comes out, but pulling bumboclaat straight from an ass, whether it is real or not, is wrong on many a level. I mean, you’re going to put that on your face and blow your nose? What is this world we live in?!
Did someone chop up The Garbage Pail Kids Nat Nerd and send me his nose? A wet-dream for pimple-popping lovers everywhere, this is basically a silicon nose that features small holes. You fill each of these holes (there are eleven, the product description lists this as a plus point…) with the supplied “pus”. You can then squeeze the nose and out will squirt a load of blackhead spoil. Why anyone would want this I’ll never know, although I could say that about almost everything else on this list.
This is probably the only thing I can see a modicum of actual use in. However, I’m about to save you from spending $12.59 with a handy home hack (ask Kevin, this works – I just made him do it). Go to the kitchen and grab a mug. Place the mug over your mouth and create a seal. Ensuring no air escapes from your nostrils (or soap), scream as loud as you can into the mug. You’ll notice your scream is very little. Presumably, this is what screaming would sound like in space. But, if you find “primal screaming” a helpful therapy, then you can now do it in (almost) silence. You’re welcome.
“John is so talented. Last night, he cooked for me. He prepared oysters. It was so romantic. He’s so funny too. He was wearing an apron with a 3D penis protruding from the front, the entire time.” No first date has ever said this. No date has ever said this, in fact. Likewise, no professional chef, male or female, would ever be seen wearing this in a kitchen. I mean, the extra “appendages” are a serious fire risk and could harm the respective actual parts of the wearer. Did they even do a risk assessment? Pffft.
Ever piss on the toilet seat? Not really a problem, is it? You can just grab some tissue from your asshole tissue box cover and wipe it off. That is unless the toilet seat has one of these bizarre covers. Forever doom your restroom to smelling like a public urinal with this preposterous, piss-absorbing invention. What if you’ve got a violent case of the shits? How do you know the cushioned toilet seat hasn’t absorbed splashback? What if you’re puking the manifestation of evil into the bowl? I’m lost for words, mostly.
Do you live in a distant future where every blade of grass has been consumed by concrete? Do you live so far away from a patch of grass that you yearn for its toe-tickling touch? Nope? Neither do I. So what exactly could you use these for? Well, fuck all, to be honest. If they had real grass in them, perhaps we would have an argument for these. However, these don’t contain real grass. Instead, they contain a plastic equivalent. So you wouldn’t be recreating a grassy utopia beneath your feet.
Actually, I found a second useful object, strangely connected to the grass sandals. Ever wanted to drown out the constant foghorn that is Donald Trump’s voice, by just shoving his fat stupid head down the toilet? Hurrah for you! Now you can with your very own Donald Trump toilet brush! Use his stiffened whisps to clean shit off the pan. Use his orange face to shove an obstinate turd into the u-bend. Just don’t forget to remove and clean your toilet seat cushion. Preferably by incinerating it.
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