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Testicle cooling device serves a medical purpose but is still a chill pack for your sack

Testicles, chill yo

cooltec becoolmen ball cooler
Image: CoolTec

CoolTec, a company that focuses on the one thing men cannot seem to keep their hands off of — their testicles — has created a testicle cooling device. Set to go on sale this year, the device’s intended purpose is to create a healthy and thriving environment for sperm, while still looking like something Sean Connery would have worn on the Zardoz set.

Rivaling David Bowie for impressive crotch magic, the CoolMen device is a jock strap with a tiny, cooling, wrestling helmet for men’s scrabble satchels. While Joe’s balls didn’t appear to need any cooling as he successfully impregnated his wife, resulting in a fresh 18-year long debt, many men aren’t keeping their rumble muffins in the best condition. While there is a myriad of issues that affect men when trying to conceive, one of them is temperature.

Men, as you may or may not know, often suffer from serious cases of swamp crotch, duck butter city, Gold Bond ratings often reaching the high 90s. Or after spending a few hours watching one woman roll a joint on another woman’s butt, your dangling doorknobs tend to get a little hot. This affects not only the amount of greasy muck that accumulates between the hairy hacky sack and thighs but also straight up reduces one’s sperm to a slagging mess of wind bent driftwood. The CoolMen device aims to alleviate these heated situations by keeping your canary eggs nice and cool.

To be fair, the device is designed to assist with male infertility by keeping the semen parameters within acceptable ranges while increasing sperm quality. I’m not sure what semen parameters are, but I’m guessing it has something to do with how much they can bench on a hot day. The point is that the CoolMen device has a purpose beyond just being a fancy way to jam two packs of frozen peas in your pants. It’s a medical device to increase fertility in men.

The CoolTec CoolMen device regulates the temperature of a man’s testicles because even one degree off can cause a decrease in sperm. Needless to say, in this Florida swamp weather, my sperm must be about as populous as a regional airport in the middle of the night. The device records data, not just temperature, but time of use, activity, and reports that to an app which can be shared with an andrologist. The CoolMen device might just offset the damage done to sperm by a decade of skinny jeans.

But it’s also a freezer pack for your sack and that’s worth noting. Regardless of fertility issues, men have been searching for a way to keep their bouncing meatballs from being overloaded by oily sauce and heating up like tiny little suns. This is a pretty solid entrance into a market mentality in which fertility causes stress, especially when men are too goddamn stubborn to admit that yes, it might be their squeezable stones that are the problem. But it’s also a great way to take some of the heat… off your meat. Sorry not sorry.

What do you do to keep cool? Actually, don’t tell me. What do you think of the CoolMen device? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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