There’s now a toilet paper calculator to estimate how much you’ll need during your lockdown
This shouldn’t have to exist, yet here we are.
Forget bottlecaps, the coronavirus pandemic has shown us that the humble toilet paper roll is going to be the currency of the apocalypse. To find out how much you need to hoard to survive your self-quarantine, people have been putting together handy web-based calculators for the optimal number of rolls to have on hand (hint: it’s not quite the buttload you think).
A large chunk of the rest of the world might have embraced water washing, but not the U.S., where bidets were associated with salacious lifestyles so that means toilet paper continues to reign supreme. Head on over to How Much Toilet Paper to get a handy guesstimate of how much pillowy softness you’ll need for the two (or more) weeks you really, really, really shouldn’t be leaving your damn house.
It’ll ask for how many times you visit the *ahem* facilities daily, and also how many rolls you have on hand already. Crunching those hard numbers gives you a soft estimate of how many days before you need to start sacrificing socks. I’ve got at least six full rolls on hand, and the two people in my household go at least three times a day, giving me 32 days of the good stuff.
32 days, people! Stop panic buying enough to fill your eight-seater minivan – you don’t need it. At least, unless you actually have enough teenagers to fill that minivan’s seats, in which case you might well need that much in two weeks and I take pity on the amount of air freshener you also need to buy.
Oh, and in case you need to adjust the settings, hit that Advanced Options button to tweak things like the number of wipes, sheets per wipe, and how many sheets are on your mega-ultra-super-rolls.
If that’s not a good enough estimate for you, check out Got Paper? which has more probing questions about your habits. You could also buy a bidet (if you can still find one on Amazon), and not have to worry about using toilet paper every again. I mean, it’s the green option, right?
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