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This IoT sex toy could potentially trap your genitals, requiring industrial grinder release

Cool cool. The only cage for my cock is your heart.

cellmate belt
Image: KnowTechie

I really wanted to write about this yesterday, but as soon as I saw the news I rushed to the store to buy bolt cutters, got stuck in traffic, and by the time I got back I remembered where I left the key. It seems times have changed from Medieval times, as chastity devices aren’t limited to misogynistic torture, as cock cages are a thing that people enjoy. We’re not here to kink shame, enjoy the sex toys you enjoy, we’re just here to point out that once you create an IoT cock cage, there might be some problems with getting it off.

Such is the case with Qiui’s Cellmate internet-connected chastity lock. While it hasn’t been hacked, locking in someone’s unlucky member, it could be hacked and that would present a problem for anyone currently with their meat and potatoes locked in the masher. This is according to UK-security firm Pen Test Partners as it found a bug on the device that could allow for a permanent dong trap as the device itself has no physical key, but is remotely controlled by a consenting partner through a mobile app.

The worst part of this is a standard bolt cutter won’t, uh, cut it. As demonstrated by this video (found below) it would take a freaking heavy-duty grinder to remove the metal ring that sits on the base of the penis. If you have a penis, you know how uncomfortable it would be to have an electric grinding tool anywhere near it. I think there was an episode of ER like that, where they had to grind something off someone’s penis. I know my paramedic friend told me a story once of having to grind a ratchet wrench off someone’s dongus. There’s no good ending to that story.

The exploit for this particular internet-connected sex toy was found within the API that connects the device to the app. While the security firm found the exploit months ago, it was left uncorrected. There haven’t been any cases of hackers utilizing that exploit because let’s be honest, a lot more people own IoT vibrators than IoT cock baskets so the opportunity for hacking isn’t top on the hacker’s “things I want to hack” wish list. But after the flurry of articles about this, it is now.

According to Pen Test Partners, the API still has issues and this sex toy could still cause some serious damage. I think it is a great example of how some things just aren’t ready to be connected to the internet. Sure, there’s a future in which everything we wear (including cock cages, clothes, and so on) will be connected to the internet but in that future, we’ve all submitted to the machine and are fine with intrusions into our lives and bodies. Hell, we’ll all probably be chipped and can be hacked to punch ourselves in the face.

This isn’t about kink-shaming, if you want to lock up your ham stick in a cage, go for it. Rather, this is about IoT shaming. Not everything has to be connected to a goddamn app to enjoy it. You can get just as much pleasure out of Kinbaku’ing up your slappy johnson as locking it in a goddamn smart box. It just seems irresponsible to submit your genitals to the unknown of smart connectivity. At least with a vibrator, you can pull it out of whatever hole it’s in if it starts acting funky. A lot harder to do with your rat in a cage.

Just be smart and safe out there kids. Stick to the glory holes and cock cages you’re used to.

What do you think? Surprised that this sex toy can be hacked and there would be nothing you could do about it? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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