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YouPorn offers British Columbia $100k to build glory holes across the province

It’s a hole, a glorious hole.

Glory hole in tree
Image: Unsplash

We are living in strange times indeed. The Covid-19 pandemic has changed a lot in how we operate as a society, from how we work and travel, to how we engage in consensual intercourse. To that last point, the CDC of British Columbia (Canada, for those of you not familiar with maps) has released its guidelines for sex in the age of Covid-19. This is not a surprising action.

NYC released a Covid-19 sex guide. So did D.C. and San Francisco. The suggestions to date include Zoom sex, avoiding rimming (look that up yourself), and frequent masturbation. Aside from that, any guide to sex during Covid-19 has recommended face masks, limiting kissing, positions that limit direct face-to-face contact, and practicing safe sex and hygiene. BC also suggests utilizing barriers to avoid face-to-face contact, such as glory holes.

If you aren’t familiar with a glory hole, it’s a hole that results in a rather glorious ending. Let’s not mince words, it’s a random fuck hole usually found in bathroom stalls in public places. You stick your bits in or against the hole and if there is a person on the other side willing to participate then you shall receive pleasure. In the context of Covid-19 safe sex, it would be less of a random encounter and more of a prepared barrier (like, cut a hole in cardboard or something, Kevin, that’s drywall and it hurts).

Thank you, dear reader, for making me type that paragraph. Over a decade in this business and I’ve never had the opportunity to define a thing that I’ve only used to toss pennies through.

In response to the sexual freedom and openness expressed by the CDC of BC, YouPorn, the porn site you visit when you get back from your Covid-19 test and the uncomfortable feeling in the back of your nasal passage has suddenly become a turn-on, has sent a letter to the Honorable Adrian Dix, Minister of Health of British Columbia. This letter offers a whopping $100k grant for the construction of glory holes across the province to further promote “socially distant” safe sex. Considering the minor labor of cutting a hole in something, this is a generous offer.

Check out the glorious glory hole letter for yourself

Dear Minister,

At YouPorn, we highly value the importance of considerate sexual exploration and release in our daily lives, even more so during Covid-19. We applaud the BC Centre for Disease Control’s guide for its recommendation of the use of glory holes during intercourse to limit face-to-face contact during sex, in the name of safety. The BC CDC states, “sex can be very important for mental, social and physical well-being; it is a part of everyday life. People can, will and should continue to have sex during the Covid-19 pandemic.” We, more than anyone know this to be true and are absolutely in agreement with you.

We are aligned with the BC CDC and would like to extend an offer of our support in an effort to continue to flatten the curve without forgoing sexual pleasure. To help provide people with a safe option for engaging in sexual activity, we would like to offer the province of British Columbia a grant of $100K to support the building of glory holes across the province.

Hope to see you on the other side!
Charlie Hughes, Vice President of YouPorn

Porn sites have not sat quietly while the Covid-19 pandemic rages on in the United States. While this effort is directed at Canada, there have been worldwide efforts by porn sites to offer money, support, and porn-based boredom solutions during the pandemic. It’s been an interesting year, to say the least. If you can’t find a glory hole near you, here are the tools you’ll need to make one.

It’s unknown at this time whether or not the CDC of BC has accepted YouPorn’s offer. It should be noted that YouPorn is owned by MindGeek, which is based in Canada (so that $100k is likely in Canadian dollars) so the chances of the government taking YouPorn up on its offer are slightly increased, though still doubtful. However, if the CDC of BC does reply in kind, I can’t wait to see the Canadian government’s plan for rolling out glory hole installation across the province. That’d be one for the porn history books.

Until that time, stay safe, fuck safe, and remember that not every hole is a glory hole. Some are gopher holes.

What do you think? Would you like to see the CDC of BC take the money? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Defunct writer. Exhausted. Ephemeral existence for ephemeral times. Don't email me.

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