All the wonderfully whack tech we found in August
Welcome to the butt revolution.
Every month here at KnowTechie (or for as many months as the patience remains to write such a thing), we’re going to take a look at some of the most question-mark-inspiring, most this-could-be-innovative, most ridiculously inane, weird and sometimes pointless tech that somehow made it through the approval process and into the marketplace.
As we mudslide into the future proposed in the movie Idiocracy, we have to really nurture and hold on to the small pleasures in life, like oddly specific technology or perfectly fried hot wings. There is hope for society, but at this point, it’s like putting out a forest fire. All that aside, this month we came across a slate of items that all promise in some way or another to improve your life. Through audio sexuality, your actual health, and of course, your butt.
While Kevin was enthralled with someone stealing the moon, Amazon was busy attempting to enter the health-tracking market with its Amazon Halo thing. There’s a lot more to be said about this device, so let’s start there.
I added my two cents to the growing pile of cynicism directed at the Amazon Halo, it’s a comprehensive fitness tracking device that does have some helpful features, like an off button and sleep tracking. For some reason, I’m down with sleep tracking but do not want a company such as Amazon to have access to data it says it’s not keeping. Regardless, if you were looking for a scaled-down fitness band without all the fancy UI of a Fitbit or Apple Watch, then get on the list.
If you’ve got a pile of PopSockets and you have an Amazon Alexa at home then you are the target market for the TalkSocket, a yet-to-be-released smartphone accessory that combines the two. With TalkSocket you can take Alexa with you, so you don’t have to use Siri or Hey Google, because your loyalty lies with Alexa, not the other things that do the exact same thing. And you like having things stuck to your phone that makes it impossible to fit smoothly into your pocket. TalkSocket also integrates with any PopSocket accessory, so you can live a hyper-connected functional PopSocket life.
This 1.5mm diamond-encrusted face mask
As I wrote back in May, face masks would become the new fashion norm and nothing solidifies that point more than the existence of a luxury face mask made from gold and diamonds. Commissioned by some rich entrepreneur, Israeli jewelry brand Yvel created this ridiculous abomination. While it’s not a technological leap in the face mask market, it does open the door to mainstream acceptance as we’re a society that is influenced heavily by celebrity culture. Wearing a face mask is the cheapest and easiest way to stem the spread of this pandemic, and if the morons in this country can manage it, we can put this pandemic behind us. Since they can’t, we now can all aspire to breathe through diamonds.
Learn to mix a drink
In a world of Keurig machines for booze, it makes sense that people would need an app and a smart coaster to mix drinks. The latter, from Barsys, is a tiny app-connected drink scale that relies on the weight of the liquid in your cup to indicate when you should stop pouring and pour the next ingredient. Through the app you can choose different drinks to mix, and if you over-pour there is no way to correct your mistake. It’s really easy to mix drinks, shot glasses are the volume they are for a reason. If you need a smart coaster to do it then perhaps it’s time to stop drinking.
Next level masturbation
Compatible with connected vibrators and other Lovesense toys as well as with the Oculus Rift, HTC Vive, and Samsung Gear VR, this media player seeks to enhance your masturbation sessions by syncing performers’ movements in porn videos to the vibrations of your device. You can share your created patterns or enjoy the patterns created by others. It’s one step closer to individual virtual sex, together, as we saw in the documentary Demolition Man. Josiah’s pattern is just one 60-second long janky line sprinkled with Cheetos dust.
Egg-shaped remote replacement
The SmartEgg Pro controls all the infrared devices in your home. Not only remote controls, but anything that is IFTTT enabled. Which means smart home devices, robot vacuums, and so on. Anything that would be controlled remotely can be grouped into one app and one device. It’s got a short-range so the suggested use is a series of SmartEggs in sort of a mesh network setup. Sure, it’s more products in your home to do things that you can already do, but it puts all those things in one app. I guess that’s helpful when it comes to smart home devices. It’s a step on the path to total, consolidated home automation.
Skip the theater with Venue
So let’s see if I’ve got this right, the Venue device searches for ticketed or Pay-Per-View events and enables you to purchase and watch those events from the comfort of your home. There are no subscription fees, just purchase what you want when you want. It’s a physical device that sits on your TV and connects via HDMI. It’s a smart time to enter the market with this kind of device, as we’re all a bit sketchy about going to the movie theater, but I don’t see anything on the site that indicates it delivers access to first-run releases. I guess you can watch WWE on it or something. You already subscribe to all the things, so you can pay Disney+ to watch Mulan or you can use this thing.
The proper butt chair
Finally, we have the Salli Saddle Chair. This strange ergonomic chair can be summed up by the product statement on the web page: “The design of this chair makes sitting comfortable and lets the pelvis be in the good standing position.” That’s right, the good standing position. I think it implies that it relieves pressure on your pelvis when sitting, so if you an old, sitting all day won’t be as painful on your hips. There’s nothing wrong with ergonomic chairs, I’m using one right now. Constant movement while sitting leads to improved body health, rather than slumping while sitting. The Salli appears to create a good position for your spine and pelvis while taking the standing pressure off your legs. If only we could walk and type.
- Apple remains king of wireless earbuds, despite strong pressure from competitors
- LG unveiled a battery-powered air purifier you strap to your face
- iRobot just made Roombas a whole lot smarter thanks to a massive update
- With students and parents working from home, demand for laptops surge