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Use your Apple Watch to monitor your cocaine binge so you can watch your heart explode

AM I SWEATING?!?

apple watch saves life tariffs
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This weekend, The Next Web U.S. editor Bryan Clark looked down at his Apple Watch during a particularly spicy meal and thought to himself, “I wonder how many people use this thing to monitor their heart during a cocaine binge?” Well, after some light digging, he found out that plenty of folks are using their wearables to stay safe during drug binges.

If you aren’t familiar with the effects of cocaine on your body then you absolutely never partied in the late 1980s and early 1990s. You went to parties where someone’s mom insisted you try one of her homemade pecan sandies, which tasted like a patch of dry sand dug up from a graveyard in the desert. The parties you went to had balloons that floated, while the real parties had tiny black balloons popping out of asses.

Cocaine increases your resting heart rate to an abnormal degree and pretty much makes you feel like you just drank a cup of oil ejaculated from the Indy 500 pace car. It also makes you feel fucking amazing and gives you the strength, stamina and sexual charisma of a young Alfonso Ribeiro.

While we’re all familiar with the Reagan era drug wars, cocaine never really went away. People still do it. As CNBC reports, doctors do not recommend using your smart wearable to track drug use, but I say this to doctors — if not my Apple Watch or Fitbit, then what? Should we go back to screaming “are my eyes bleeding” into people’s faces at the coffee shop? Should we shake back and forth on the couch while trying to masturbate furiously to Jazzercize videos while hoping our heart doesn’t explode before we can get our pants back on?

The worry is that doctors most likely think that moderating drug use through technology will only further drug use. Doctors much prefer an overdose to someone who is tempering their binges through the use of technology because that person doesn’t require life-saving and expensive care every time their significant other says they want to take a break because you’re smothering me.

The smart-wearable-using-to-monitor-drug-use person is a smart person and has this shit under control. That person knows just how much sweet snow to put under the straw to keep just below the heart rate warning on the Fitbit. That person only does LSD when it’s raining and they are with friends. That person smokes crack out of a Swarovski crystal that looks like a swan fucking a dolphin.

Look, I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. Using technology for anything that helps you live it better is a hard thing to argue against. While doing cocaine itself is a questionable activity, the technology exists to at least watch what it does to you. It destroys your heart, flat out. You might feel like Nuclear Man when he gets a sunburn, but on the inside, your heart is like Tetsuo Shima right before Kaneda whipped out the laser rifle. Stay safe out there kids.

What do you think about using technology like the Apple Watch to self-monitor drug usage? Give us your thoughts below.

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters. Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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