The best bidets you can buy on Amazon now that toilet paper is all sold out

Thanks to the panic buying of toilet paper due to the coronavirus pandemic, you can’t get a sheet of Charmin anywhere. I mean anywhere. Target is out unless you want to fight other shoppers in the paper goods aisle, warehouse clubs are all out, and even the ever-dependable Amazon is out, with no estimates as to when stock will be back.

So, that said, how are we going to keep our butts clean while this virus situation keeps going? Enter the bidet, a mainstay of toilets around the world, but an oft-maligned thing Stateside. Still, the situation warrants extreme measures, right? Be warned though, once you’ve gotten used to the super clean feeling, you won’t want to go back to dry old toilet paper again.

Spray or pay?

There are really two types of bidets here. One has a handheld sprayer, pretty similar to the sprayer hose you might have if you have an upscale kitchen sink. These are mostly using your cold water pipes, so if you live in a cold area you might want to avoid these.

The other type goes on your toilet and sprays hands-free while you’re still sitting down. The basic ones just have a sprayer, while more expensive ones can do everything from heat the water to fan dry your posterior once the washing is done.

We’ve tried to keep our recommendations to ones that won’t take more than two weeks to arrive, hopefully well before your existing TP stash runs dry.

Achiotely Handheld Bidet Toilet Sprayer ($70)

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Okay, so all you need to really know about this bidet sprayer attachment from Achiotely is that it’s super easy to install, and comes with all the parts you need. It’s multipurpose too, so you can use it to wash your pets, clean your tub, or even rinse things like your kitchen trash bin.

It’s made of stylish stainless steel and comes with a strong t-valve so you don’t end up with a drenched bathroom if someone accidentally hits the trigger while it’s hung up. Oh, and you can hang it on the wall or on the cistern. Nice.

Aqua Nexis Premium Bidet Sprayer for Toilet ($84)

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This Aqua Nexis hand-held sprayer is made from stainless steel and brass, so you don’t have to worry about any coating flaking off over time. It’s got a 360 degree rotatable sprayer attachment so there’s no chance of snarling the hose, and supposedly only takes five minutes to install. You’ll be rinsing off like a king on your throne in no time.

DenSan Hand Held Bidet Sprayer Kit ($69)

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You’ll get the hardwearing 304 stainless steel variant here, a stainless steel hose, and a brass valve that’ll keep working for years to come. If disposable diapers become hard to get hold of, you can use the DenSan hand bidet to hose down those important cloth diapers before throwing them into the washing machine. There’s a 100 percent satisfaction guarantee as well, so happy spraying!

WATIGHT Bidet Sprayer ($74)

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The last hand-sprayer on the list also comes with 304 stainless steel, all the fittings you need to mount it, and it features an extended handle for erm… extra reach. Watight says you can also use it to wash fruit, but please don’t do that if you’re mounting it next to your toilet.

TRUSTMI Toilet Concealed Hot and Cold Bidet Spray Set ($73)

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If the thought of cold water hitting your nether regions makes you shiver, maybe you want to make this bidet sprayer from TRUSTMI a permanent fixture in your bathroom. It’s easily retrofitted to existing bathrooms by mounting it on the vanity cabinet under your sink, so all you need to do then is tap into the hot and cold supply lines. No plumber needed, although you could hire one if you want to support local businesses while this pandemic is going on.

TOTO C100 WASHLET ($358)

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If you really want to wash your keister in luxury, look no further than the C100 Washlet. It’s got heated water, a heated seat, heated air drying, a self-cleaning spray wand and more. You’ll need a 120V plug socket to use it, but most bathrooms have one near the toilet or sink. There’s even an air deodorizer to make things outside the bowl clean for the next occupant.

BioBidet Bliss BB2000 ($638)

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Don’t be put off by the “Used – Like New” on the BioBidet listing, these are open-box or damaged packaging with no use. There’s a motorized, fully stainless steel nozzle to hose you off, a nightlight so you’re not blinded by the vanity lights, a wireless remote, and all the heated comfort you could want. It’s even got a slow closing seat, so don’t worry about just letting it drop.

Tibbers Home Bidet ($80)

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This is a hands-free version of the sprayer attachments, in that all you do is put the insert onto your toilet seat, and connect the hose to the water supply. Yes, that means your water spray is coming in cold, but maybe that’s just what you need to get going in the morning. Most importantly – it’s got a self-cleaning routine for the sprayer.

Hygencare EX400 Non-Electric Bidet Toilet Seat Attachment ($90)

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Like the last attachment, this unit from Hygencare also a non-electric, hands-free sprayer attachment. The difference here is that if you want, you can hook it up to the hot tap, so you can have warm sprays of water clean your tuckus, instead of icy jets. It’s also got dual nozzles, great for washing the whole area, while a ceramic valve stops backflow of water into the rest of the system.

Bemis B980NL 000 Renew Plus Cleansing Spa Round Bidet Toilet Seat ($599)

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Like all the other premium bidet seats, the Bemis comes with continuous heated water, air drying, and a whisper close seat. It’s also got aerated washes, a touch control remote with user presets, and pulsating wash functions. The remote hints at spray that could be anything from a thin jet to a shower, so you should be able to find a setting that suits your tender backside.

Better hurry though, even while I was writing this, other bidets on Amazon were going out of stock.

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Joe Rice-Jones

Maker, meme-r, and unabashed geek with nearly half a decade of blogging experience. If it runs on electricity (or even if it doesn't), Joe probably has one around his office somewhere. His hobbies include photography, animation, and hoarding Reddit gold.