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Apple’s new 13-inch MacBook Pro is so freaking magical it is powered by rainbows and leprechaun blood

Ho, ho, ho it’s magic, you know.

new macbook pro with new features
Image: KnowTechie

Sure, there’s a pandemic going on and 30 million people are unemployed, but now seems like a great time to release a new Apple MacBook Pro. Really, there is no bad time to release an update to this laptop, because the Apple ecosystem is its own world. The only pandemic there is avarice built on self-conceit.

The new 13-inch MacBook Pro starts at $1,299 and the blog announcement is nothing short of spectacular, making a seemingly mundane piece of equipment — a laptop — appear to be nothing short of discovering that not only does an island full of unicorns exist, but they piss RAM chips and shit graphics cards.

Apple is boasting about a couple features in the new 13-inch MacBook Pro, including the retina display which is admittedly one of the great features of the MacBook. From there though, every new feature will likely increase the base pricing to the new used car range. There’s probably a correlation between price and how many visits to the Apple store are incurred by purchasing one of these things, but it’s yet to be proven.

In the blog post, Apple states that “the new inverted-‘T’ arrangement for the arrow keys makes them easier to find”. I immediately looked down at my several-years-old Razer Deathstalker keyboard, which also has the same arrangement of the arrow keys. Was there ever a different way? Was Apple doing it so different than standard keyboards that it had to point out that it’s finally doing it the standard way? Did Apple finally put its pants on its legs instead of its head? Apple is like a toddler learning how to dress itself.

I guess we have to remember that aside from cheap Indochina labor, Apple products are produced with pure magic. Where it sources this magic is unknown, but surely Tim Cook has a dungeon under the Cupertino facility containing several wizards and perhaps a Genie, mystically trapped until Apple technology works in comparable fashion with every other similar technology on the market (at least in functionality), but can be called magic. It’s like when a Rabbi blesses a truck full of cookies so they can be called “Kosher”.

I’ll give Apple credit for the Touch Bar and Touch ID, which add a nice piece of functionality to a laptop keyboard. But I won’t give it credit for boasting about featuring a physical Escape key. Did Apple just learn what keys are on keyboards? What’s going on here? But, the problematic butterfly design is dead, so maybe that’s why Apple is so proud it put the square block in the square hole. With magic.

More about the new 13-inch MacBook Pro and its “magic”

new macbook pro screen

Image: KnowTechie

The base model comes with a 256GB SSD drive and can be expanded up to 1TB or 4TB for pro users. It has four Thunderbolt (fancy USB-C) ports, so be sure to buy an adapter so you can plug in the normal things you’d want to plug into a laptop, like external drives, HDMI cables and other peripherals that still use standard USB (though, USB-C will be the standard at some point). You’ll have to memorize some incantations if you want higher sequential read speeds. I’m sure there is an indentured Wizard working at the Genius Bar that can help with that.

Quad-Core Intel processors made from the shaved claws of dragons along with an Iris Plus Graphics enable users to connect to the Pro Display XDR at full 6K resolution, even though the human eye can’t really tell the difference between 1080p and 4K. But those K’s stand for Kajsa, a Scandinavian wind spirit that blew its magic onto the display, creating smooth transitions and faster rendering.

The Retina display “delivers more than 4 million pixels and millions of colors, along with 500 nits of brightness and support for the P3 wide color gamut.” Let’s get into that. Nits are lice eggs, but not in this usage. In this usage, they are the eggs of the mythological Jorōgumo spider-woman of Japanese folklore, that has been trapped in a Cupertino cage for eons. Its eggs are harvested and turned into pure color pixels, then slapped into the screen of the MacBook Pro. Magic!

The 13-inch MacBook Pro also “comes with speakers that provide incredibly immersive wide-stereo sound” because that’s a thing that exists in laptops. I’ll say that in some cases I’ve muttered “well, that sounds fine, for a laptop” and this should be no different. No matter what speakers you put in a laptop, there is no way they are immersive. It’s just not possible unless you smash your face between the monitor and the keyboard, take it into a dark empty room and sit facing a corner. But hell, these are magic so fuck it, immersive.

The last bit of magic is where you can really pump up the price (aside from the SSD drive). That’s the standard 16GB of 3733MHz memory. And for the first time on a 13-inch Mac notebook, there is an option to upgrade to 32GB. Holy shit. Of course, this is not something you can do yourself because if you dare touch a screwdriver to the aluminum frame, a very angry necromancer will show up at your door with a cease-and-desist order and turn your living room furniture into those giant worms from Dune. It’s a mess.

While there are some great features that are specific to Apple, the rest of this machine is finally comparable with a lot of laptops already on the market. It’s not magic, it’s fucking common sense and Apple needs to release the wizards in the basement and just focus on making computers that function as expected and aren’t full of features that eventually doom it (like the earlier keyboard versions).

Once Apple stops blowing smoke up its own ass and lets users upgrade memory themselves, it may see MacBooks become the standard, instead of the luxury doofus bragging about the fucking escape key existing where it should.

What do you think? Surprised that Apple still treats common features like magic or is this just par for the course at this point? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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A tech writer on the internet for over 15 years for outlets such as Forbes, Wired, TNW, and others, Curtis is exhausted, burnt out and happy to just write buying guides and the occasional review for KnowTechie, the best tech blog your mom never told you about. Ephemeral existence for ephemeral times. Please send pitches and grainy pictures of the inside of your elbow to kevin@knowtechie.com

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