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The Panic Room: The John Hammond of dog sh*t exists and he lives in Florida, obviously

I need to go lay down.

jared jones panic room
Image: KnowTechie

Technology is terrible. The Panic Room is a weekly column where I take a look at some of the biggest tech stories of the week and prove it. Did I say prove it? I meant have a discussion about it. But I’ll ultimately prove it. Because the thing about technology is, it’s terrible. Let’s dive in, shall we?

(Hot) Snakes on a Plane

Image: The Daily Star

Airplanes are gross. Among the grossest places on this gross planet. They’re giant Petri dishes that stay in the air juuust long enough to give you ebola because you touched the air vents.

And the bathrooms? My God, I can’t think of a single way that you could possibly make them any more disgust-

Halliburton employee Choon Ping Lee, a Malaysian citizen, is facing charges of video voyeurism for allegedly planting a hidden camera in an airplane bathroom onboard a United Airlines flight on May 5, 2019, from San Diego to Houston.

Wow.

You know what the saddest thing is? This Mad Libs gone to f*ck of a sentence doesn’t even shock me. I’m numb to it. I’m even going to give our pervert in question the benefit of the doubt and assume he was just hoping to catch some mile-high action and not, as I truly fear, a video of someone dropping a deuce at 30,000 feet.

For whatever reason (because we’re gross), airplane bathrooms have become a go-to item on our sexual bucket lists over the years. A self-driving car can barely be released before we’re shooting porn in it, so it was only a matter of time before someone went full Porky’s on an airplane. Putting a camera in bathrooms isn’t even a new idea, but I guess it just sucks to know that we’re using our best available technology to watch people poop – or more likely, have violent diarrhea.

Zuckerberg? More like one creepy f*ckerberg

Hey fellas, what’s the only thing worse than finding out that your lady’s period tracking app is sharing tons of sensitive information with Facebook? Finding out that your lady is using a period-tracking app, amiriiiiiiiiiiight?

Anyways, this week’s Facebook Privacy Breach of the Week™ comes to us via Buzzfeed News, which reported that several period-tracking apps (MIA Fem and Maya among them) sent “women’s use of contraception, the timings of their monthly periods, symptoms like swelling and cramps, and more, directly to Facebook.” Should we be surprised? Probably not!

The app also shares data users enter about their use of contraception, the analysis found, as well as their moods. It also asks users to enter information about when they’ve had sex and what kind of contraception they used, and also includes a diarylike section for users to write their own notes. That information is also shared with Facebook.

Do you think there’s ever going to be a tipping point with these kinds of invasions? Or are we just going to grow comfortable with the fact that we’ll soon be getting a notification from some lizard-brained tech weirdo every time we need to poop? Sorry, poopy column this week.

To wit…

“Exploiting” is an interesting term to use there. It’s a term I’d typically reserve for say, a child labor crisis. Or a zoo. Not dog poop. I did not think dog poop (and those who analyze it (??)) was something capable of being exploited. So I guess point landlords for figuring out a new way to screw over tenants.

Giovanni Peluso was struggling to secure an apartment in Post Falls, Idaho, with his dogs, Rufus and Mac..[their] property management company required him to surrender DNA from Rufus and Mac as part of a biometric program to catch people who don’t clean up after their pets.

“It was unprofessional and fast,” says Peluso, recalling that he simply walked down to his property manager’s office to get it over with. “However, it seemed as secure as 23andMe.”

Oh boy, who’s gonna tell him.

Three quick questions: How do you think one gets certified as a dog poop DNA profiler? If you had to guess the name of this dog poop testing facility, what would it be? Where do you think this dog poop testing facility is located?

The answers may surprise you, especially the last one because it’s not Florida.

The process took less than 15 minutes and was administered through a service called PooPrints….a laboratory in Knoxville, Tennessee.

Wait.

Nearly a decade later, PooPrints claims to be a multimillion-dollar company and to have generated $7 million in earnings last year.

Stop it.

…and Mr. Dog Poop in Tampa, Florida.

There’s a SECOND ONE?! Named Mr. Dog Poop?!!

I’m not sure I can even read any more of this. Every new sentence feels like entering a new level of the Galaxy brain meme. Let’s just go out with the knowledge that this eventually came back to Florida like I knew it would and enjoy this thing I made.

“I’m not even going to click that” Reddit headline of the week

I see now how foolish I was for thinking “Malaysian Haliburton airplane shitter spy cam” would be the weirdest sequence of words I’d see this week.

I don’t know what half these words even mean. Did the writer of this headline join an improv class halfway through? Is Fake Cow and Parody Mom one of those shows you see on Cartoon Network at 3 a.m.? Can I write it if it’s not?

I need to go lay down.

Alright, what are your thoughts on this week’s Panic Room? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Writer. Editor. Barelyknewer. Hate mail can be directed to j j o n e s @ k a r s f o r k i d s d o t e a r t h l i n k

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