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All the wonderfully whack tech we found in November

A warm sack will quell the uprising.

testicuzzi whack tech
Image: Testicuzzi

Every month here at KnowTechie (or for as many months as the patience remains to write such a thing), we’re going to take a look at some of the most question-mark-inspiring, most this-could-be-innovative, most ridiculously inane, weird, and sometimes pointless tech that somehow made it through the approval process and into the marketplace.

The holiday season is upon us. Once we’ve all come down from the Black Friday and Cyber Monday highs, it’s time to start buying gifts for other people. We tend to think very linear when it comes to gift-giving, rarely buying people meaningful gifts, sticking to things we think they might need like socks, TVs, tablets, computer peripherals, and so on.

But that’s why this list exists. Consider it a service to place all these wonderfully odd and offbeat gifts at your feet for gift giving. While this month’s list is a bit short at only seven items, these are some strong contenders this month. After the list, you can find every other whack tech post from this year linked at the bottom, so you can easily find the perfect gift for whomever you are buying for.

Because isn’t that what the holidays is all about? Stuff? I’m fairly sure there is an entire book of the bible dedicated to buying crap for your family and friends, then summarily ignoring their needs the rest of the year. While I prefer to give gifts all year long to avoid being pressured into a single day of gift giving (or eight crazy nights in my case), most people like to blast their gift load one or two times a year.

So let’s blast that load. Here’s some stuff.

Sack sauna

While the limited edition 24k gold variant is sold out, there is something to be said about a jacuzzi for your balls. That is, your testicles, if you have them. The Testicuzzi is a tiny jacuzzi for testicles and probably the most ridiculous product to exist that actually exists. It’s not a joke, it’s a real product on sale for $69.69 (sigh, nice), down from $99.95. It’s battery-powered and “produces a wonderful, gently bubbling massage”.

I have testicles and while they can get in the way sometimes, I have never once thought to myself that the thing I need for them is a tiny tub to soak them in. The best I can tell is that the Testicuzzi is taint-related foreplay, battery-powered and without the crushing pressure of Kevin’s hands.


A robot suitcase

Gita is a consumer robot programmed with pedestrian etiquette, pairing with the user so it can follow using robot vision (sensors and cameras). It’s a robot storage container that can perfectly fit a specialized IGLOO cooler (brand partnerships for the win) and costs $3,300. But it can hold 36 12-oz cans! It rolls at six miles per hour and will avoid other people, just like you!

It’s a robot cargo bin that carries up to 40 pounds because apparently we’ve reached that stage in human development where we don’t want to carry our own shit anymore. We want robots to follow us around packed with our crap. Really, since it’s not designed for camping (those smooth tires indicate sidewalk action), the Gita is probably the perfect gift for overwhelmed parents with loaded diaper bags or alcoholics who need the bar to follow them around incessantly. I can see this being the perfect purchase for fraternities around the country, a roving bar for the budding alcoholism that springs from such institutions.

Conversely, it could be a good robot for disabled folk as well, enabling them to carry things without carrying things. So perhaps this is speaking to a more accessible future for more people. Or it’s a booze robot. Your call.


Nostalgia in a phone charger

smoother operator wack tech

Image: Hearty Hardware

Is anyone really nostalgic about phone booths? Like, really? Is there anyone who looks at their smartphone and says, “you know what, it was better when I had to stand on the street using a public communication device slathered with the shedded DNA of strangers.” Well, if that’s you then you’ll be interested in the Smooth Operator phone charger.

It’s a combination night light and phone charger and looks like a classic phone booth, at least the phone holding part. It’s a thing we do not need, so would make the perfect gift for the grumpiest Luddite in your life, your dad.


Phone on a rope

This thing is called the Cross-Body Clutch strap and it’s a strap that attaches to your phone case with industrial-strength adhesive so you can carry your phone like a purse. It’s also an irrational $50, a ridiculous price for a phone strap. Yet, the Kickstarter is fully funded because apparently there are enough people that want their phone swinging from their body.

There are customizable options and it seems like a strong little strap, but I can’t get over the fact that it’s $50 and is intended to keep your phone outside your body and swinging around the elements. It even says something about it being hands-free, but like, no more than keeping your phone in your pocket.


ComplexLand

Not a product, but an event taking place December 7th to 11th, ComplexLand is an open-world, shoppable virtual destination. It already has a laundry list of brands and artists ready to showcase their stuff. Some of it will be for sale, some of it will be for entertainment purposes. It’s a brilliant idea and the perfect escape for a populace shuttered by a pandemic. Of course, not all of us are avoiding crowds (can’t wait to see the numbers of infected linked to mask-less dining at fucking Applebee’s).

With brands like Atmos, Adidas, ROKIT, Real Buy, Stadium Goods, and Verdy to name a few, visitors to ComplexLand can expect exclusive product drops. There will also be some promised surprises hidden throughout the world. The artists (a list I’m not familiar with) will be popping up some street and contemporary art, to complement the economics of the event. It should be interesting to check out.


Go to your own movies

With theaters around the nation shut down until further notice, most distributors have been releasing what few movies there are on streaming services like HBO Max and Netflix. Now if only there was a way we could watch these movies with a thing strapped to our face, instead of on our computers. Enter the Goovis Lite, the silliest name for a personal entertainment device.

This thing straps to your head like a VR device, but delivers M-OLED ultra-high quality video and audio. It simulates a 600-inch virtual screen for that true big-screen cinematic experience from the comfort of your face, wherever it might be. Frankly, many of us have been waiting for a device that allows us to watch cinema-sized movies from the comfort of our toilets. Right now, its active Kickstarter is offering the Goovis Lite for $299. That’s not a bad price to bring the movie theater experience to your face.


Quell

Quell means to “put an end to.” In the case of Quell the fitness product, it means putting an end to that extra quarantine weight. It’s a high-intensity, resistance-based combat workout backpack thing with gloves. You can customize the resistance so you can feel every punch as you fight your way through a fantasy world on the screen. With motion tracking, the wearable gauntlet makes sure every punch is registered. It’s quite an ingenious way to workout, a step up from the Kinect or Wii sports workouts we’re used to.

In the game, there are hundreds of enemies offering a massive range of combat styles. You’ll need to block, dodge, punch (if you can dodge a wrench), and cast spells. It connects via Bluetooth to your phone, then streamed to your TV for the gameplay. It’s a very creative way to enhance home workouts, especially now, when we’re all kinda bored with at-home yoga workouts and Just Dance 2018.


SpaceHey

spacehey social site

Image: SpaceHey

Not a gift, not a thing. Miss MySpace? Here’s SpaceHey. Ok. Whatever.


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