Fuck EVs, get a Hummer H1 Launch Edition instead and destroy the road
Get out of my way.
Mil-Spec Automotive (MSA) just revealed its rebooted, bad-ass, zombie-killing, environment-fucking, gravel-destroying Hummer H1 Launch Edition. In a world in which we keep a candle lit for the dream of electric cars driving our lazy asses around, it’s a refreshing change of pace to see a vehicle being made that is peak ‘Merica. This is the vehicle that says I see you down there in your Tesla, watch me jump this curb. Fuck curbs.
Retailing for a mild $218,499 (starting price), the Launch Edition Hummer H1 is the vehicle that says I wish I was in the military but I’m not, but I’m also wealthy enough to buy a vehicle that compensates for whatever strength I’m lacking in my daily life. This is a vehicle that challenges the status quo like using a hammer to make a sandwich challenges lunch. This is a vehicle that tells your peers that not only have you made it, but you just took a shit in their credenza and slapped their dog.
The new Hummer H1 boasts a 6.6-liter turbocharged Duramax V-8 diesel engine that delivers 500hp and 1,000lb-per-foot of torque. That means that yes, you can burn through a tank of gas while trying to outrun traffic to the next red light. Who the fuck needs to parallel park when you’ve got an engine like that? You’re driving a Hummer H1. You can park in the middle of the street and give the finger to parking enforcement as their golf cart is sucked into the void of awesomeness resonating off your bumper.
This is no regular Hummer. This custom-built Hummer makes the original H1 look like a pile of bricks next to a luxury condo building. These Launch Edition Hummers are donated H1’s that have been stripped and rebuilt by hand in Kansas. Every possible luxury is jammed into these vehicles and buyers can choose from it being a four-door hardtop pickup, hardtop slant-back, hardtop wagon, hardtop SUV, or two-door hardtop pickup with an extended bed. No matter what you choose, you know that the only thing you are plugging this beast into is the collective fear center of every other driver on the road.
“We spent two years researching, designing, and developing prototypes in our quest to build the perfect truck and we have achieved our goal with our Launch Edition,” said MSA CEO Adam Mitchell in a statement. He added, “Our Launch Edition can get you anywhere you want to go in style and comfort while setting you apart from everyone else on the road.”
Damn straight. Who the hell needs roads with military-style wheels and hand-stitched leather and a tow package that doesn’t even require giant, metal testicles? Roads are for puny electric cars. Roads are where fools cruise on auto-pilot and crash into things. Roads are things the pedestrians cross. Roads are for suckers. The Hummer H1 needs roads like your doctor needs a urine sample. Sure, you might have an STD but who the fuck cares if you never have to check your mirrors when you merge.
This is a vehicle that says both my tribal tattoos and my law degree are finally justified as things that can co-exist. This is a vehicle that says I’m an orthodontist during the day, a fucking warrior at night when I go to pick up milk and diapers. This is the vehicle you buy when your mid-life crisis is more intense than that one time at the massage parlor when you got a happy ending from getting tased while getting a pedicure. This is the vehicle you use as your Tinder bio picture along with your flexing bicep next to a stack of Benjamins and your CrossFit training certificate.
With the rise of electric cars threatening the future of gas-powered vehicles, the Hummer H1 Launch Edition is a firm “fuck you” to the future of automobiles. This is a diesel powered fuck machine that runs through electric cars like a bag of molly at a rave. Sure, you can buy several Teslas for that price tag, but not a single one of them gives you the extravagant, blatant and unavoidable display of sheer and clear compensation for the deepening void in your soul.
Drive an electric vehicle? Tell me how much you hate me in the comments.
For more news stories on puny EVs, see:
- How the Tesla board meeting vote to keep Elon Musk as chairman probably went down
- We could see a Tesla Model Y SUV as early as 2020 (but it’s not a fucking Hummer)
- In response to Consumer Reports, Tesla pushes their over-the-air brake update