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KOHLER unveils intelligent, Alexa-enabled smart toilet for your dumb butt

Your ass deserves this.

kohler numi 2.0 smart toilet with amazon alexa
Image: KOHLER

Last year at CES, KOHLER, a brand you might recognize from your bathroom or kitchen products, announced KOHLER Konnect — a suite of kitchen and bath products that use voice commands, hands-free motion control and offer Amazon Alexa, Google Assistant, and Apple HomeKit connectivity.

This year, KOHLER is taking it one step further with the climax of smart-home devices, rolling out the Numi 2.0 Intelligent Toilet. This is what we’ve been waiting for. This is why we continue to press forward with smart-home and IoT technology — smart toilets.

In a press release in which KOHLER announced all its CES 2019 wares, the toilet certainly stood out. Or sat out. A voice lighted mirror, a touch-less kitchen faucet, a shower system with presets, a bath filler and heated toilet seat were listed alongside the Numi 2.0, but really, who has the money for all that? If you are going to spend upwards of $9,000 on a bathroom device, you know damn well it’s going to be an Amazon Alexa enabled smart toilet.

In an age in which we constantly struggle with how and whom we give away our private data to, dumping into a smart toilet seems like an easy decision. Sure, Gene might fall in love with it, but the Numi toilet creates a fully-immersive experience for homeowners so who wouldn’t fall in love regardless of what kind of bathroom data you are giving away?

The Numi 2.0 has personalized cleansing and dryer functions, a heated seat and built-in speakers. It’s got lighting features and voice control. You can now literally ask Alexa to spray your butthole. It’s not being advertised as something that is associated with artificial intelligence, but rather as a luxury smart-home product that will change the way you expel waste. Because right now, you are a fucking savage in the bathroom. You can’t leave an upper decker in the Numi 2.0.

There’s going to be a lot of smart-home tech revealed at CES 2019 in Las Vegas over the coming days, most of which will be priced outside the range of the general consumer, like this toilet, but that doesn’t mean we can’t dream of a life in which our bathroom becomes the most technologically advanced place in the house. We already spend most of our time hiding in there from our children and families, so why not hide with a luxury toilet under your butt? Sure, it costs as much as a used mid-size sedan, but you can’t poop in the car. Well, you can, but it’s not advised.

What do you think of the toilet? Worth the investment? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Writing about consumer technology, social media and the deep layers of psychological torture endured by all of it. The world is changing, but that doesn't mean we can't be cynical about it. It's not all sunshine and roses in Silicon Valley. It's self loathing, pretentiousness and machines that squeeze juice for you. Also, a strong affinity for toasters.Follow on Twitter @cebsilver for them jokes. Chaotic neutral. Pitches to cebsilver@gmail.com

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