All the wonderfully whack tech we found in December
Sex with a hologram makes a mess.
Every month here at KnowTechie (or for as many months as the patience remains to write such a thing), we’re going to take a look at some of the most question-mark-inspiring, most this-could-be-innovative, most ridiculously inane, weird, and sometimes pointless whack tech that somehow made it through the approval process and into the marketplace.
December isn’t over yet, but Kevin said to start publishing these a bit earlier in the month so that people have time to digest the information before the next month, never being forced to live in the past.
Then he went into a two-and-a-half-hour rant about quantum mechanics and how our perception of reality is a forced perspective engineered by advertisers, fast-food companies, and numerous multi-dimensional iterations of The Noid. Then he somehow ate yogurt from his Roomba, shuffled out of my interstellar RV, and directly into the wormhole.
When the mushrooms wore off, we remembered all this great tech we found in the course of part of a month. While none of it is really qualified to be considered a last-minute tech gift, all of it exists within this shared reality we call home. It’s a fun list, a break from the seriousness of Facebook, Apple, Google, and Amazon slowly chipping away at our decaying souls. Anyway, technology isn’t always about the stuff; sometimes, it’s about the concepts, ideas, and Oreos that churn our genitals.
Cyberpunk 2077 has been a trash fire. But it turns out we all just got the wrong version. The version we should have purchased is the porn version, because porn never fails us. The only bugs in porn, in my opinion, are the overt stage grunting of men, but some people consider that a feature so I can’t really complain.
This version is called “Cyberpunk 2077 XXX Parody“, delivered in 8K HD VR, starring Sif Blvck, Sindal Xie, and a penis. It’s very male-centric, which is a bit disappointing, and frankly, lazy. They could have done better on the name, on the content, and maybe just pretended it was an actual parody. With the game sucking so bad, there was a real opportunity here, but they figuratively and literally blew it.
In 1981, ELO released an album called Time. On that album was a song titled “Yours Truly, 2095”. This song was about a sexy robot companion who was assigned to do tasks but would hopefully someday deliver the kisses. Or something like that. Fast forward 39 years and we have Hybri, which allows the user to create a virtual companion in augmented reality, using your smartphone and artificial intelligence. It’s kind of like the holographic Joi in Blade Runner 2049, except you gotta wear a headset to see this one.
We’re only a step away from actual holographic companions that don’t require a headset. Then from there, only a step away from physical robot companions (that yes, humans will have sex with). While we could argue that those already exist (they do), they are basically sex pillows with limited human-type reactions. I’m talking about full-on AI-enabled sex robots that walk, talk, do the dishes, chop wood, eventually destroying all of humanity, and so on. So yeah, let’s sit around in our underwear and interact with an augmented reality hologram of our dead grandparents in their prime, you savages.
As a part-time cyclist, I know the pain of an improper bike seat. It’s hard to find one that handles genital distribution properly and is also balanced for a road bike. Seat cushions are usually the solution, but they are usually fairly basic, not really adding much cushion and certainly not distributing the pressure on your genitals. Enter the Cyclemate bike seat, already at $60,478 of its $3,869 goal on Kickstarter.
This seat uses a 3D airbag design, and gasbag internal air circulation to spread hip pressure, buffer aftershocks, and provide a bit of an ergonomic upgrade to your nethers and perineum. It provides a natural vascular state, with a larger contact area and pressure distribution. To put it plainly, it’s a super comfortable bike seat that won’t numb your junk.
One of the worst things about having smartphones in our pockets (depending on your perspective) is being able to snap a photo of anyone or anything at any time and being scoped for doing so. I hate when I see people snapping a picture in my direction, not necessarily of me but finding me stuck in the background. Well, now with this Wristcam Apple Watch camera, they can do so without me noticing so I don’t get annoyed. Because, it’s all about me and my semblance of privacy.
Frankly, because of our smartphones, I’ve seen little reason for smartwatches to exist, but they do. All that was really missing was a camera. And what a shitty little camera it is. An 8MP front-facing and 2MP self-facing camera are the best this thing could deliver? I have a digital camera I found in a box that has better megapixel stats.
Why, when you have an iPhone 12 in your pocket, would you want to take a picture with your watch camera? Because you are doing something creepy that’s why. This thing is for creepers, because that’s the only sub-group of camera users who are satisfied with mediocre pixel quality.
The most badass clock ever
From Switzerland’s Kross Studio comes this awesome 1989 Batmobile clock. This isn’t some cheap-ass digital LED, plastic clock. This thing is a black aluminum composite with an aeronautical grade scratch protection coating. It features manual-winding mechanical movement and hours and minutes displayed by two cylinders with a vertical regulator. Hundreds of parts comprise this amazing piece of time-telling art.
There are only 100 of these available worldwide and if I’m counting correctly, only eight left. It’s also $29,900. That’s a hell of a holiday gift, but beats a Lexus in the driveway.
It’s been a hell of a year, hasn’t it? COVID-19, a treasonous President, probably some other stuff, massive unemployment, some other stuff, bad stuff, stress, and so on. Sometimes you just want to scream. Thankfully, someone out there is thinking of your need to just scream into a voicemail box, and listen to the screams of others if you are so inclined. That’s the purpose of Just Scream, a project from Icelandic artist Chris Gollmar.
It’s simple. Just call 561-567-8431, wait for the beep, and scream and yell until your pancreas bursts. The screams are shared, so that’s kind of cathartic. Gollmar doesn’t save your number and isn’t trying to sell anything. He just wanted to give people a place to scream and hear the camaraderie of others’ screams. It’s okay to let it all out into a voicemail box, because it sure beats screaming at your family, strangers, or the dog. Don’t scream at the dog.
Certainly not whack tech, or tech at all, but special edition Oreos are always appealing. Even if they all taste the same. Fight me. Different colored sugar is still sugar.
The most useful key in existence
By the time this is published, this multi-tool won’t be on sale for $16.99 anymore, but at its regular price of $33.99, it’s still worth it. The Sank 24-in-1 from Reshline is a well-designed multi-tool in the shape of a key. It’s TSA-compliant and is somehow packed with over 16 functions, including serrated edge, scoring tip, bike spoke wrench, bottle opener, protractor, 1/4-inch bit driver, metric rule, 1/4-inch open wrench, wire bender, wire stripper, imperial closed wrench (1/8, 3/16, 1/4, 5/16, 3/8, 7/16), metric closed wrench (M8, M6, M5, M4, M3.5, M2), lanyard hole, smoking bowl & pipe (for Kevin), file, imperial ruler, can opener, and screwdriver (slotted, Phillips & square).
This thing is the smallest, high-function multi-tool in existence. Probably. It’s high-quality stainless steel, rust-proof, and resistant to corrosion and water. You need one of these on every keychain. The best part about this thing is I came across it when served an Instagram ad, something that is rarely relevant to my needs. But I have a penchant for multi-tools, as you never know when you might need one, and we’re not allowed to smoke bowls or carry knives on planes anymore.
It’s been a wild year of what we consider “whack tech,” but there have been some gems throughout the year. I’d list them here, but that would negate you going back and reading through all the goodness. Technology has come a long way since the basic necessities of our youth (unless your youth is now, in which case congrats, you’ve made it).
Now we have products and services for just about anything you can fathom, with varying degrees of usefulness. So whatever you may consider “whack”, just know that someone, somewhere really freaking needs that thing. See you next year.
- All the wonderfully whack tech we found in November
- All the wonderfully whack tech we found in October
- The best crowdfunding campaigns to check out in December 2020
- The best crowdfunding campaigns to check out in November 2020