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I’m still rocking an iPhone 5S, and honestly, I don’t even care

Fight me.

iphone 5 se
Image: Videoblocks

Can I confess something? I have zero understanding of our society’s obsession with new phones. Zero. Every article I read on this site (or sites like us) about new iPhone images being leaked or the latest iPad features sends me into an “old man yells at cloud” rage in less time than it took the last one. “IT’S JUST A PHONE,” I scream as my coworkers back further and further away and call security because they’re not actually my coworkers and I’m actually standing pantsless outside a Starbucks. “I FEEL LIKE I’M TAKING CRAZY PILLS.”

Oh, yeah, by the way, I still have an iPhone 5S.

Trust me, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve heard it all before. I’ve endured the side-eyed glances, the exasperated gasps, and the endless mockery every time I’ve pulled out my 5S since the day I bought it (I can’t remember exactly when, but I vaguely recall The Harlem Shake being popular). As it turns out, apparently I’m the asshole for not wanting to wait outside of an Apple store for three days to spend two weeks’ pay on a phone with slightly better pixel quality and, I dunno, personalized emojis or some other useless crap?

Here’s my problem with Apple

Every year, we’re sold the same story of the company’s latest model being as significant to mankind’s development as the opposable thumb and sliced bread combined. It’s innovation redefined, it’s what Tesla would have made if he had the balls, it’s a throbbing majestic unicorn in the palm of your hand.

It’s gotten to the point where even iPhone users are parodying the grandiose, self-important smugness with which Apple treats its product releases.

This says one thing to me: the new models aren’t built to last more than a couple years. Hell, they don’t even work during the company’s increasingly ridiculous unveiling ceremonies half the time. Why else does Apple constantly push new iOS updates on users with “older” phones? Apple even admits that its new models aren’t meant to last more than a year, which directly contradicts the “conservative” three-year estimate boasted during the company’s iPhone 7 environmental report last year.

The iPhone 5S is still GOAT

But my iPhone 5S? No, this thing was built for stamina. I dropped mine out of a second story window into a puddle yesterday, and when I got around to pick it up a half hour later (I was eating a hoagie that could not be ignored), it was still running the game of Words With Friends that had forced me to fling it out of the window in the first place. STOP BUILDING FOUR-LETTER BLOCKS I CAN’T ADD TO, AUNT DIANE. THIS ISN’T TETRIS.

I guess I’ve just always aligned with Bill Burr’s opinion of Steve Jobs — that he was a pretentious credit hog who gouged his most loyal fan base year after year to raucous applause. “New phone can’t fit the old charger. This is your hero?”

The new iPhone’s are a perfect encapsulation of that. They’re the same thing they’ve always been, only slightly bigger, more breakable, and with shittier WiFi/headphones that you have to buy separately. And what a bargain at only $1499! Another round of applause for the ghost of Nerd Jesus!

And look, I know the sacrifices I’ve had to make to stick by my beliefs. My iPhone 5S has the picture quality of a potato. It has weak signals in areas that it probably shouldn’t. It’s slower than it should be-oh wait that was Apple’s fault. It can hold approximately six songs at a time before its storage is full. “You still download songs to your phone, Jared?” Yes, because the WiFi at the Planet Fitness I go to sucks and prevents me from listening to Spotify, SO THERE.

But dealing with all of that *still* beats having to go full 127 Hours just to fill the void in my soul with a new toy. I mean, seriously, how is one supposed to do anything but point at laugh at the site of something as pathetic as this?

I can only hope that every single person in that line was forced to drink their own piss to survive at one point. I award you all zero points, and may God have mercy on your souls.

So yeah, in conclusion: I’m sticking with my iPhone 5S until the day it dies. At which point, I’ll probably just buy another (as long as Apple hasn’t discontinued it by then). It’s (relatively) cheap, it actually fits in my pocket, and it still performs most of the basic functions a phone should be able to perform. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to buy a Samsung. I value my own life far too much for that.

Anybody else still rocking the iPhone 5S? Show of hands? Anyone? Let us know below.

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Writer. Editor. Barelyknewer. Hate mail can be directed to j j o n e s @ k a r s f o r k i d s d o t e a r t h l i n k

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