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I am now 5G capable, bow before the superior power of my OnePlus 7T Pro 5G McLaren

Connect me to the future.

5g t-mobile mclaren smartphone
Image: T-Mobile

Last year in the U.S., T-Mobile turned on its 5G network. Verizon is on T-Mobile’s heels, with AT&T peeing in the kiddie pool. The point is, like a group of teens behind the 7-11 after curfew, 5G is rolling out.

Let’s not forget about Ericsson, Nokia, and Huawei, fighting for the world market. This is good for 5G networks, especially if you find yourself in a place where 3G is the standard and you still have to dial a phone to get internet. 5G competition will push companies to press 5G into more and more areas, so we’re all connected all the time.

The reason I mention all this is that for most of this year I have coveted the OnePlus 7T Pro 5G McLaren from T-Mobile.

In a fit of anxiety-driven impulse shopping, I purchased the OnePlus 7T Pro 5G McLaren – This is notable for several reasons

First, it’s been a long time since I’ve purchased a new phone and the phones I’ve used in-between haven’t exactly been up to current technical specifications when it comes to the operating system, processing speed, and camera ability. Needless to say, I’m still soaking in the afterglow of having a phone with a Qualcomm Snapdragon 855+ processor.

Second, if you look at the T-Mobile coverage map, you might notice a lot of dark purple in contrast to the bright pink. The bright pink is 5G, the dark purple is 4G LTE. Nearly the entire state of Florida (of which I live in the dark purple portion) has no 5G as of this moment. So I bought a 5G capable phone that is unable to fully use its capabilities.

Third, it has a pop-up selfie camera. I fucking hate selfies.

But it also has a 48MP main camera, 16MP Ultra-Wide angle camera, triple camera, nightscape camera mode with ISO and other professional photography settings that I don’t understand. This is seen through a 6.67-inch 90Hz fluid AMOLED display with a curved bevel. Fingerprint and face unlock, Dolby Atmos sound, warp charging and so on. It’s also a GSM phone so it is not locked to a stupid CDMA network and can be used worldwide.

The triple camera is also in one stack on the back of the phone, in the center, rather than some weird square in one corner of the phone. It’s quite unobtrusive. It’s a super slick phone and I was surprised I purchased it. Since I paid for it, that’s all the review you’re getting, but I will say that it’s the nicest thing I’ve held in my hand for under $900 since Josiah’s sex robot.

I feel like Prince Adam when he raised his sword above his head and screamed something about Greyskull and turned into He-Man when I am holding this phone

I can feel the potential 5G power raging through my veins and into my brain. But then it fizzles out because there is no 5G here. I cannot experience the true potential of this phone. I’ve got a pack of condoms but I’m stuck at a family reunion helping my mom feed grandma with a really shiny spoon.

So when will I actually have 5G? Who the fuck knows. It all hinges on T-Mobile’s merger with Sprint. Yeah, fucking Sprint, which could be sold for parts if the merger doesn’t go through. So if T-Mobile doesn’t get to purchase Sprint, it can pick up the towers wholesale I guess. I have no idea how this all works.

Plus, I think I need a 5G plan, though with T-Mobile that’ll be easy. It has like three plans and I have the unlimited Mr. Worldwide plan. I’m assuming that 5G will just be added to it when it is available like ketchup on diner fries. A quick note about 5G: some of you think you have it because your phone says “5GE” or “5G” at the top. You do not. You don’t have a phone capable of handling the 5G band. For instance, Apple makes ZERO 5G phones at the moment. It’s a visual lie. You do not have 5G. Stop telling me you do. You don’t.

The OnePlus 7T Pro 5G McLaren is a top-of-the-line phone in camera, screen, processing speed, and LTE connectivity and one of the very few 5G phones on the market. I’ve never had a top-of-the-line phone. I still have the shakes from having to clean someone else’s dead skin from the scroll ball in my used Blackberry. I deserve nice things sometimes. It’s just, well, there’s no 5G here so why the fuck did I buy a 5G-capable phone?

Because 5G will be the standard in every connected portion of this country soon, perhaps even by the end of the year. So just like how I’m going to likely purchase an Xbox Series X this year, I wanted to be ahead of the curve for once in my life. I may never get another chance, I can feel the pull of becoming a tech Luddite as I age and become my father (who will now argue, upon reading this, that with his Pixel 2 in hand, he is not a Luddite). Update: My dad has an original Pixel, not a Pixel 2 as he was quick to point out upon reading.

I’ve come to no conclusions here. I have a OnePlus 7T Pro 5G McLaren and it’s sweeter than a warm eclair, fresh out of the oven, ready to be eaten but I’m in a no-eclair zone and the eclair is in another state. I just want to hold my phone and eat eclairs on the toilet with supersonic speed. Is that too much to ask?

Are you interested in 5G? Plan on getting a 5G-capable phone anytime soon? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Defunct writer. Exhausted. Ephemeral existence for ephemeral times. Don't email me.

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