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The Panic Room: Is Zuckerberg vs. Warren this year’s McGregor vs. Mayweather?

I’m not paying sixty bucks for it, regardless.

The panic room with mark zuckerberg
Image: Getty Images / KnowTechie

Technology is terrible. The Panic Room is a weekly column where I take a look at some of the biggest tech stories of the week and prove it. Did I say prove it? I meant have a discussion about it. But I’ll ultimately prove it. Because the thing about technology is, it’s terrible. Let’s dive in, shall we?

More like Mark Thatwouldsuckerberg

Mark zuckerberg
Image: Business Insider

Not a great year for Facebook. Not a great one at all. Between the five billion dollar fine, the mounting antitrust investigations, and all those government-imposed sanctions it was just hit with, I’d go so far as to call this year “sub-optimal.” Let’s hope ol’ Lizard Brain Weird Legs up there is able to find some solace in the fact that none of this has had even the slightest financial impact on him.

Then again, Facebook could start to feel the negative effects of exploiting the private information of its entire user base while simultaneously selling out the very country that allowed its creation if Elizabeth Warren is elected president. The Massachusetts Senator certainly hasn’t minced words when it comes to her desire to break up big tech companies, and thanks to some leaked audio obtained by The Verge, we now know exactly how Facebook’s CEO feels about her.

If she gets elected president, then I would bet that we will have a legal challenge, and I would bet that we will win the legal challenge And does that still suck for us? Yeah. I mean, I don’t want to have a major lawsuit against our own government. … But look, at the end of the day, if someone’s going to try to threaten something that existential, you go to the mat and you fight.

First off, I could bathe in the irony of Zuckerberg finally being taken down by a breach of privacy. I could inject into my veins and live forever off its nutrients. But it won’t happen. Never. Why? Well…

Let’s not let the fact that one of these two people has already meddled in an election deter us too much here. Warren has already fired back at Zuckerberg on Twitter and definitely won’t see her momentum halted when one of her biggest advertising platforms mysteriously shuts her out completely. Should be a fun fight. Mayweather vs. McGregor-esque, in that a scrappy Irish(?) trash-talker is about to get demolished by an evil billionaire.

Dell’s palsy

Dell guy

I guess when it comes down to it, there aren’t many drawbacks to AI other than the fact that it’s kinda sorta racist and is only used for all of the worst things in the world. Pretty flawless otherwise.

Like, take the fact that AI technology is now being used to identify the “best candidates” for job applicants in the UK. How could it possibly do that? Algorithms of course, you moron!

Hirevue, which last month received a major investment injection from the multi-billion pound Carlyle Group, says it has already used its technology for 100,000 interviews in the UK. Worldwide it claims to deliver one million interviews and more than 150,000 pre-hire assessments every 90 days.

“There are 350-ish features that we look at in language: do you use passive or active words? Do you talk about ‘I’ or ‘We.’ What is the word choice or sentence length? In doctors, you might expect a good one to use more technical language,” said Loren Larsen, Hirevue’s chief technology officer.

Love it, AI technology people. Just killing it across the board. I can’t see how this technology could be problematic to people of certain persuasions or with certain disabilities, or even just with poor posture who are otherwise qualified. Let’s just give the jobs to the best smilers. Awesome.

I can’t wait until the day comes that I’m rejected by HR Alexa because she didn’t understand what a “me-me” was.

Human beings are a plight upon this earth, case #167649283

Quick, what’s the only thing more ruthlessly misanthropic than flooding a hospital’s phone lines with robocalls? Did you say jamming up several hospitals’ computer systems with ransomeware? Because damn, you’re a pretty kooky guy, Trent.

Ten hospitals—three in Alabama and seven in Australia—have been hit with paralyzing ransomware attacks that are affecting their ability to take new patients, it was widely reported on Tuesday.

Woof, that is some Robochobo-level evil right there (h/t Uproxx’s Vince Mancini). Just dastardly stuff of the highest order. I’d say it’s Joker-esque but the Joker only blew up a hospital and I’m pretty sure there wasn’t even anyone in it at the time.

Forcing a hospital to turn away everyone but the dead or dying and crippling its ability to operate without firing a single shot? Really makes you understand why ol’ Jokesky can only hope to inspire incel mass shooters and no I am not done making jokes about that thank you very much.

“I’m not even going to click that” Reddit headline of the week

Screen shot 2019 10 03 at 11. 10. 17 pm

Ok, this one’s just a promoted post, but as a copywriter by day, I just want to say that whoever wrote this should be forced to drink paint until they lie dead in the cold, hard ground. The cringy colloquialisms. The forced references. Horrible copy, brah.

What do you think? What were the worst headlines you saw this week? How do you feel about Mark Zuckerberg? Let us know down below in the comments or carry the discussion over to our Twitter or Facebook.

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Writer. Editor. Barelyknewer. Hate mail can be directed to j j o n e s @ k a r s f o r k i d s d o t e a r t h l i n k

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